DabbleDoodle

For the People... By (insert government official's name here)

2010-02-13T18:04:00.000+08:00

saw a handful of green banners tied to the foot bridges found along quezon avenue that had me scoffing at the text. the text reads as follows:

"Salamat po! Pangulong Gloria Arroyo sa FootBridge na ito."

personally, all of the foot bridges, waiting sheds and other structures utilized by the public at large are OWED to us. those are, after all, the tax payers' money at work! why should i thank GMA or any other public official for infrastructures that were paid for by the masses? it's not like they had a hand at the construction nor did pay for the build.

it just seems to me that government officials do good things simply for "pogi" points as opposed to working hard out of gratitude and respect for all the people who voted for and believed in them.

ahem

2009-08-01T14:29:00.000+08:00

expletives
are a big part of my daily dietary allowance
along with
seething sarcasm and
joyous idiot-bashing

don't be afraid to quote me.
XD

in my mind's eye

2009-03-01T13:08:00.000+08:00

it'll never be the same again.
finding you.. loving you...
had me running towards the point of no return.

i have no regrets
just a great sense of longing
will i ever be able to call you mine?

in my mind's eye
you're the one i'm lying next to
you're the one i'm holding onto

maybe some day
or in another life time
you'll be the one kissing me

...goodnight...

---

you know, it's not funny when things turn out this way...

Philippine International Cartoons, Comics and Animation (PICCA) Festival

2009-02-28T01:09:00.000+08:00

REPOSTED FROM SIR HUGO'S BLOG

This is the first! A colorful ambitious event celebrating the arts of cartooning, comics creation, and animation. Four days of exhibits, competition, workshops, talks, caricature sessions, book launching, recognition awards, spiced up with music and dance.

When: October 15-18, 2009

Where: SM MegaMall Atrium, SM MegaMall Art Galleries, PowerBooks, Poveda

DAY ONE, October 15 Thursday

Morning

Opening of Samahang Kartunista ng Pilipinas and Friends Exhibit

Opening of Competition Entries Exhibits

Start of Talks on Cartooning and Comics

Afternoon

Continuation of Talks on Cartooning and Comics

Cartoon Workshop for Children

Launch of “One Hundred Years of Filipino Comics” coffee table book

Evening

Parangal sa mga Tagapaglikha ng Komiks

DAY TWO, October 16 Friday

Whole Day

Samahang Kartunista and Friends exhibit

Competition Entries exhibits

Caricature Sessions at the Atrium

Talks on Animation and Intellectual Property Rights

Screening of “Urduja: and other animation shorts

Evening

Awards and Culture Night

DAY THREE, October 17 Saturday

Whole Day

Trip to Tagaytay for foreign guests and Cartoon, Comics, and Animation VIPs and friends for a taste of Pinoy cuisine and holding of on-the-spot sketching and caricaturing

The exhibits at the SM Megamall continue

DAY FOUR, October 18 Sunday

KOMIKON More exhibits, comicbook launches, merchandizes

Last day of exhibits at SM Megamall

NOTE: More details to be announced soon. Please expect slight changes in the activities as the Festival days approach. Let us join hands!

and so i howl

2009-02-20T17:41:00.000+08:00

can you not hear it?
the roaring from deep inside me
can you not feel it?
the melting fire glowing white beneath my skin

it consumes me
like a hungry lover lost for years
it moves me
unlike anything else i feel

it's as loud as thunder
and as bright as the sun
to you, however
it doesn't even come close to a hum

the misery of it drains the soul
sucks the life out of it till there's nothing more
but the foolish heart persists
so till now, its howls falls on deaf ears

unravel me

2009-02-09T13:51:00.000+08:00

pounding hearts
breathless
silken touches
electric

eyes closed tight
a slave of passion
limbs yielding in its throes
dying, living, unsure of what to do

words are lost
voices ragged and torn
into my heart
fight for my soul

looming over me
drowning in lust
pain is nothing
crucified with your love

find me
love me
unravel me
all in a moment's reprieve

cranial flatulence.

2009-01-27T16:42:00.000+08:00

the words that cut through the silence failed to give me comfort. rather, the words that suddenly broke through hurt more than a clenching fist around my heart.

but despite the pain ringing through me, the silence came back like a heavy blanket around a shivering child. it pounds and howls till nothing feels sane anymore.

my heart jumps, stops and palpitates like a cruel joke. just like a nightmare, i can't break its hold.

beyond the corners of my pathetic self, in that realm someone so crudely named reality, the mask is, thankfully, still in place. it doesn't fail and reveals nothing of the turbulent waters that are in between my ears.

ah. a voice. a small shrilling voice comes from a distance. it tries to pierce through with little success. funny how a "friend's" voice fails to deliver its message.

a cold sensation on my arm offers an odd sort of warmth. the false attempt to sympathize was brief and felt more and more like a slap.

i am a clown. a manatee in a school of mermaids.

laugh with the mask and mourn for the soul

it's a roller-coaster ride to-...

2008-12-14T12:26:00.000+08:00

what's one to do when failure looms overhead? does one wait for it to come and wash him away or does one run in the opposite direction?

one is a funny person. one lived his life as best and as bad as he could. he's laughed his heart out and cried till his eyes were a little shy of jumping out of their sockets.

one has friends as well as enemies. hell, one has a bunch of frenemies. all in all, one has a relatively normal life.

right?

one's different from them and everyone else though. a type of different that goes beyond the typical uniqueness and individuality of a person. one caries another everywhere and whenever he walks.

another is with one always and forever, it seems. another is different, just like one but another is not seen by everyone.

another is one and one is one but one can never be another. only because everyone refuses to see one as another. a fact that causes worry and sadness to one and for another to be more defined in one's mind.

one is liked by many while another is ignored by everyone else. a void eats at one because of the distraught another feels. but another cannot be let out. they may hurt another and so one hides him.

will another ever see the light of day? will one persist or will one fade away?

when will another and one be together again?

friendster nga naman..

2008-11-23T16:00:00.000+08:00

although, i think it'll be more politically correct to say, "ang mga taong nagamit ng friendster nga naman."

haha

i received a personal message from some bloke named "wardz". [god forbid i misspell his name and use an S.] i don't know him but apparently, my friendster profile does.

his message is as follows:

Date: 11/21/2008 12:54 pm
Subject: greetings
Message: hi jem how r u? can we be a good friends i like the way you mke your posing can you consider me your friend? please let me have your cp no. pleae

amazing feat of composition! incredible piece of literature! what impeccable spelling!

=.=

if you were the recipient of such a message, would you be flattered or upset. me? i'm leaning towards upset and disbelief. i mean, he wants to befriend me because he likes how i pose.

uhm.. i think that's what he said.

meh.

allow me to end this shudder-inducing moment with a quote:

"I'd rather be assimilated by the borg. but the borg i like!"
~nance of nance, lexy and argus

screaming underwater

2008-11-21T17:44:00.000+08:00

that's what it feels like.

i wonder, when would it be my turn?

nobody has to say anything. you don't have to kill yourself trying to find the "right" things to say.

what i really needed was comfort, or anything that remotely resembled it.

i guess i have something else i'd trade my soul in for.

i'd sell my soul so i won't ever feel that i need to be comforted.

so i won't ever have to bother anyone again. ever.

i would sell my soul for... version 2.

2008-11-20T16:43:00.000+08:00

well, sir hugo said to make a list of 10. i joked i could make one of 20.

i thought long and not so hard about it.

here's the best i can do.

in no particular order of significance.

---

i would sell my soul for things to change.

---

that's it for now.

Editorial for the 3rd issue of The Red Lily

2008-11-19T15:18:00.000+08:00

=.= wow, that's a freakishly long title. anyway, one of my jobs as the EIC of The Red Lily (TRL) is to write the editorial. i thought i did a pretty decent job for the editorial of the 3rd ish so i figured i could put it up on here.

------------------------------------------

Editorial: The true spirit of economic recession?

As if dealing with the effects of the sudden spike in oil prices and just about every commodity needed in day to day living wasn’t enough, Juan de la Cruz must now face and win over the latest villain in its latest tragic novella, global recession.

Of course, the administration is quick to say that there will be no economic recession in 2009 just an economic “slowdown”. The administration is confident in this statement made by National Economic Development Authority Director General Ralph Recto who also said that they do not expect a recession to occur next year because, “there are many investments taking place.” Recto also said that recession meant there won’t be jobs available next year but “I don’t see it happening.”

On the other side of the metro, however, the results of a survey conducted by the Makati Business Club (MBC) were very telling of the fears that the local money players have. The majority of the survey’s respondents that comprised of prominent business men and CEOs feel that the whole economic situation will go from “bad” to “really bad” in 2009.

Totally opposite of what the government said, the members of the MBC believe that recession is a definite possibility in next year. MBC’s most pressing concern being the expected increase in layoffs which is expected happen towards the end of the first quarter of 2009, the same time when fresh graduates make the transition to the workforce.

Who’s Juan to believe? The government who’s chuck-full of PR statements that doesn’t really seem to pacify, well, anyone or the clean cut men and women of the local business industry who deal with money and employment on a daily basis?

Does it even matter who the Filipinos ought to believe? Will acknowledging the more accurate party ease the worries of the masses? Will believing make the threat of recession and economic “slowdown” less daunting than they really are?

The government said that the Philippines will have a 4.6% economic growth at the end of this year. They also believe that the country will experience a 3.6% to 4.6% economic growth next year, that’s all well and good but is the government really ready to safeguard the people against recession/economic slowdown?

Will the Christmas season still be fun and colorful? Will Juan, his children and grandchildren be able to feel the spirit of giving in this time of great need and poor economy?

And when the New Year turns, and recession or economic slowdown marches into the homes of every Filipino, will Juan be prepared and steadfast? Or is he only as ready as his government is?

------------------------------------------------

as always, corrections, comments, suggestions and/or violent reactions are welcome!

i would sell my soul for...

2008-11-19T02:38:00.000+08:00

waaaatafreakinminute!

what would i sell my soul for?

i must ponder!

whilst i do that, let me just say that i have the IQ of a peanut and the EQ of a starfish.

aren't i great?

heehee

randomness aside, i loooove potatoes. they're always spud-tastic!

hehehe

my digestive track seeks nourishment!

a baby giraffe dies every time you fart.

the world is just AWESOME.

que: boom de ya da
dun know it?
you suck.

it's a dog-eat-dog world

2008-11-16T16:39:00.000+08:00

say otherwise and I'll take you to my shrink and pay for the session as well.

everyone is supposed to suck everything up and just roll with whatever life throws at you. but what if instead of rocks and harsh words, life decides to challenge you with insufferably annoying unprofessional petty people?

would you lie on your back and allow yourself to be washed away by the tide? would you detach yourself and just watch?

if you asked me two years ago, i would've said, cower into a corner, pretend it was all a bad dream. ha ha ha. and the awesome bit is that, back then, i did do just that. but time, people, experiences and words have changed me.

now, the very people that backed me to a corner are driving me to be excellent, to be the better editor-in-chief, council president and mass comm student. i guess I've had enough of hearing them talk smack and gloat, of seeing their smug and conniving faces, of letting them get away with the crap they're so bloody fond of leaving around.

this is it folks, Jemimah Bela Torrefiel is now competitive.

I'm not confident. but i sure as hell will work hard and do everything within the grounds of FAIR PLAY, a concept that is probably not that easy to digest for some people, to deliver the best possible work i will ever do.

so thank you!

and do look forward to the end of the sem.

sem-tastic!

2008-11-13T13:27:00.000+08:00

the 2nd semester of academic year 2008-2009 has officially begun!

schedule's a total mess. whoever planned it should be shaved, slathered with honey and shoved in a dark box where mutant carnivorous pancakes and waffles thrive!

my brain, it throbs, in pain.

peter pan lies! thinking happy thoughts does not lead to flight!

freakin pansy.

carebears like to freeze smoothies on cake.

you know, i think i may have lost my point.

be back in 10.

wanted!

2008-11-06T17:38:00.000+08:00

x.X

help! i need an editor! I've been getting into writing short stories using talecraft. granted, I've only written two and the later is still incomplete. but i need an editor~

i need someone to relentlessly go over my short stories and help me make it better. someone who can tell me as it is, specially if what i've come up with is sheer bullcrap!

anyone interested?

oh and uh... you'll have my eternal gratitude for your service.. hehe... cut me some slack. :P i don't have the money to give away.

as soon as i think the ones I've written are worthy of being read by the public, I'll put them up on here. when i do, please feel free to criticize and correct me.

:D i actually welcome corrections, criticisms and violent reactions. why? because they're great opportunities to improve!

I'd rather be corrected than be ignorant.

i think i like november :D

2008-11-05T09:50:00.000+08:00

the only problem is figuring out which events to attend and with who.

here's a quick rundown of the anime/game/manga-related events i heard of for this month

AME 8th Avenue (November 8) - an event by the Anime Manga Enthusiasts. they'll be stalls and bands and it wouldn't be a Con without a cosplay competition :P
November Open Gaming Meet (November 8) - board gamers unite! haha. monopoly and scrabble are for the weak of heart. OGM for this month has an awesome lineup and people will be playing games i haven't even heard of! entrance is Php 50!!
KOMIKON 2008 (November 22) - another event i'm looking forward to. it's actually going to be a week-long thing. activities humming from the 17th to the 21st. the con proper will be on the 22nd. i'm not really sure what they have in mind but i think there will be games, anime, manga and cosplayers about!

hmm.. i'm torn about november 8. both the OGM and AME events are something i haven't experienced yet and i really really really, did i say really want to see both.

ah, decisions, decisions.

meh.

we'll just see i guess. :P

i hope they'll be more interesting events and i wish i can attend them all. hahaha

dude, i really am a gerd.

nyahahahahaha

November Open Gaming Meet

2008-11-04T16:00:00.000+08:00

**reposted from the talecraft message board.

-------------------------------

Greetings,

The November Open Gaming Meet will be held on the 2nd Saturday of the month, November 8, in the rooftop poolside cabanas of Residencia 8888, Pearl Drive, Ortigas Center, from 3pm til 11:30pm.

The OGM is an informal gathering of tabletop games enthusiasts from various groups (like Tabletop Wars, Philboardgamers, A.E.G.I.S., New Worlds Alliance, Rolling Hills Gaming Club, & UP Hobby Gaming Circle just to name a few) who try out new games and/or play favourites games, be it Boardgames, Miniature War Games, RPGs, Card Games, or Board Wargames, with friends - new and old.

We have the following house rules and expect every participant to adhere to them:

- the open-air cabana (the one to the left when you enter the pool area) is the noise-free area (where smoking is allowed)

- the aircon cabana (the one to the right when you enter the pool area) is the smoke-free area (where being boisterous is allowed).

- avoid putting food or drinks on the same table as the games (a lot of these games are not cheap or out of print, so please be considerate to the owner of the game).

- if you must eat while gaming, use a nearby empty table (if available) to eat your food (if a spare table is unavailable, eat / drink in such a way that crumbs / droplets will not fall on the game pieces).

- practice "clean as you go" - make sure that the tables are devoid of wrappers / empty bottles / etc. when you vacate it (so that the next group of players won't spend time cleaning up your mess).

- there is a 30 minute grace period at the end of the meet so the volunteer crew can pack up without being stressed out (that's why the meet time is only until 11:30pm now, the remaining 30 minutes til midnight is used for packing / clean up).

- open/closed signs on the status of the cantina will be found on both cabanas (so that people don't have to leave their game to inquire on when the cantina has finished setting up).

- there's a "wait to be served" policy at the cantina (this is due to some people just grabbing reserved food / drinks and just leaving the pay on the counter).

Planned Games for the Nov. OGM:

FORMULA V '08 Season Race 13
Using the Formula DÃ© game, this is an ongoing championship of 14 races with points to determine who will be the Driver's Champion and Team Champion. Due to the length of time it runs when there's a lot of players (maximum of 10 players), the race will start at 9pm. Interested players can just look for Victor when the game is being prepped (you can't miss it, it's a huge box).
Info about Formula DÃ© can be found here: http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/12/ 12040.phtml

Can you survive the Last Night on Earth?
When Victor was a GM of Game Crab, he ran a Basic Scenario where the players were able to set a win record by completing the scenario by turn 9 (starting from turn 15). Now he wants to see if anyone in the OGM can match or break the record. He will be the ZM for the first game and is open for 4 players. The zombie infestation will start at 6pm. Interested players can look for Victor when the game is bing prepped. Info about LNoE can be found here: http://www.gameshar k.com/features/ 384/Cracked- LCD-24-Last- Night-on- Earth-Review. htm

Aside from the above mentioned games, games confirmed to be brought on that day are:

Arkham Horror, (boardgame for 1-8 players), http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/11/ 11462.phtml
Bang!, (party card game for 4-7 players), http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/9/ 9754.phtml
Betrayal at House on the Hill, (boardgame for 3-6 players), http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/10/ 10766.phtml

Carcassone, (tile laying game for 2-5 players), http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/9/ 9737.phtml
Citadels, (party card game for 2-7 players), http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/10/ 10836.phtml

Descent: Jouneys in the Dark, (boardgame for 2-5 players), http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/12/ 12846.phtml
Doom: The Boardgame, (boardgame for 2-4 players), http://www.thedicet ower.com/ reviews/doom. htm
Draco & Co., (party card game for 3-6 players), http://www.boardgam egeek.com/ thread/6231

Family Business, (party card game for 2-6 players), http://www.io. com/~beckerdo/ games/reviews/ FamilyBusinessRe view.html
Fury of Dracula, (boardgame for 2-5 players), http://www.funagain .com/control/ product/~ product_id= 015522
Give me THE Brain!, (party card game for 3-8 players), http://www.boardgam egeek.com/ thread/30799
Guillotine, (party card game for 3-5 player), http://www.thedicet ower.com/ reviews/guilloti ne.htm

Illuminati, (party cardgame for 2-6 players), http://www.angelfir e.com/games/ zombiereviews/ reviews/illumina tideluxrvw. html
Kill Dr. Lucky, (boardgame for 3-7 players), http://www0. epinions. com/review/ Kill_Doctor_ Lucky_32725604/ kifm-review- 3726-1FE2BB34- 39EBAE8B- prod3
Kragmortha, (boardgame for 2-8 players), http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/13/ 13052.phtml
Mystery of the Abbey, (boardgame for players), http://www.rpg. net/reviews/ archive/9/ 9375.phtml

Navia Dratp, (chess-like game for 2 players), http://www.boardgam egeek.com/ thread/78984
Once Upon a Time, (party card game for 2-6 players), http://www.rpg. net/news+ reviews/reviews/ rev_1613. html
The Great Brain Robbery, (boardgame for 3-7 players), http://www.boardgam egeek.com/ thread/167062

Once you're at Residencia 8888, please inform the Front Desk that you're there for the "tournament" at the rooftop cabana.

There is the usual entrance fee of 50 pesos to help defray the cost of renting the cabanas.

Your current OGM Host/Coordinator,
Victor
"I game, therefore I am..."

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

-------------------------------

soooo, anyone want to go?

still sick

2008-10-29T15:20:00.000+08:00

ugh. why?! why am i *still* sick? why am i even sick in the first place?

damn it. i've had this fever for three days now. muscle, skin and joint pain seems to be the popular freebies...

shit.

muumuu, thanks for visiting me yesterday.

i want to get better now na!!!

x.x thank goodness for monkey_cakes, our wireless network, and pii-chan for letting me curb my boredom.

x.x sana hindi ako maospital...

meh.

and it only took 3 seconds.

2008-10-22T23:31:00.000+08:00

it's unbelievable how fucking nice it feels to be abruptly woken up with, wait for it, a fucking SCREAM at almost THREE, 3, in the fucking morning.

only because someone can't find their fucking glasses?

really great!!!

apparently, screaming your head off in the middle of the night, while everyone is asleep, is a sure fire way to find the shit you misplaced.

so remember folks, when looking for something, don't use your eyes... instead, scream your inconsiderate head off.

this is a public service announcement from a resident of the torrefiel house.

shit.

---

oh and for the record, just so we're clear, this is called sarcasm.

i put up links on the big words too. just so your brain won't spontaneously combust. now, this act of going out of my way of convenience to make it easier for other people, is called consideration.

winded.

2008-10-19T07:47:00.000+08:00

i think i'm going crazy...

erk. alright. it's nothing new but this is a whole new type of crazy for me.

ever since yesterday's taytay trip i've been wanting to go to places where there's grass and trees and cats littered about.

it just feels strange not being able to feel small next to a tree that's taller than sct's buildings. being surrounded by houses, cars and streets glowing bright with the sun's glare feels a bit cold.

don't get me wrong, i love being in the city. i like the convenience and the technology i get to enjoy here in manila but all of that is not enough to quell the want i'm feeling to be face to face with nature.

as i write this entry, i'm starting to realize why i had so much fun taking pictures of the trees and shrubbery of siena college taytay. even if the sun was hot and a tad uncomfortable, even if it was humid and dry... i enjoyed being surrounded by life.

sure, the city's bustling with it too. manila is practicaly humming with life. but it's not the same feeling i got while i was looking for things to take pictures of.

it's not the same probably because the quality of life is different. the trees over at sct were old, tall, persistent and warm. they give off a sense of comfort and ease that no pharmaceutical can reproduce.

it was also humbling, being reminded that my exitence is practically non-existent next to the rest of the universe. it was also fulfilling to realize that i am that small, that my life is quite short.

to know all of that is not depressing at all. if anything, standing in the middle of the grounds, surrounded by towering trees, the gentle grass, the quiet shrubs and the warm stones, made me feel like i belong.

that i am a part of this world despite what a handful of people may think, say or feel.

^^ nakakatuwa.

i wonder if there are any places in the metro that has lots of trees, grass, earth and sun. i wonder if i can take get there and be allowed to take memories with arc so i'll never forget that i am part of a bigger picture... that we all make up a little piece of it.

when the shit hit the fan, the aftermath

2008-10-12T11:03:00.000+08:00

Here I am once again, standing, looking, contemplating on the half truths, whole lies and facts before me.

Once again, I find myself betrayed, cheated and lied to by the humanity I’m supposed to be a part of.

Once more, I find myself losing faith and confidence in the people, the acquaintances that surround me.

Now, I have more reason to believe, to know that nothing is as it seems. That people will lie through their teeth. That people will delude themselves into thinking that they aren’t wrong when the opposite is as burning as an imploding celestial body.

Where is the justice in all of this? Has this series of not quite unfortunate but somehow unbelievable events done any good to anyone? Am I supposed to find a lesson, a moral, an idea or a thought in this?

The truth?

I am more lost than ever. We all stood up to fight for what we all thought was right. Yet, just like in every battle waged in the days of old, casualties are accounted for. The casualties being everyone closely involved and anyone who was remotely related to everyone else.

Do I think what I did was right? Do I believe I wasn’t in the wrong?

Yes.

But I implore that I be asked of my feelings on the outcome, on how I feel about reaching a half victory in this war.

Even if someone cared to ask, I fear that this very second, I may not have a clear-cut answer.

The factors, the variables that came and come into play are massive, seemingly random yet controlled, probable but taxing to predict.

I know that the stand I took was right. I believed in it and I acted on it. But somehow, it made me feel empty and distantly unsettled. Is this the price of putting yourself out there for what you believe in?

Human nature never fails to put my cognitive capabilities to the test.

But logic and rational thought is greater than raw emotions. Logic dictates that everybody ought to lie in the beds that they made. I know for a fact that nothing was done with malice on my part and I’m good with that.

I’ve taken what I can from this experience. I’ve learned from my mistakes. If other people fail to play nice simply because they can’t be nice or if they just can’t seem to get their minds wrapped around professionalism, maturity and civility well then, too bad, so sad.

of high blood pressure and aching legs

2008-10-04T19:32:00.000+08:00

time check! it's 10:48PM. yup as in, 10 in the evening folks.

just got back from siena's year-long celebration of its jubilee.. yes, yes... bloody thing dragged on from 7am till 10 in the effing evening.

fun.

not.

what got me was that... at the end of the program, the only college students there who weren't taking up BSERE and who performed were me and aldrich.

SERIOUSLY!

ever tried covering an event in a "gym"/"hall" that also doubles as a freaking oven because of the lack of ventilation and AC units for FOUR hours? ever had to use two cameras, a sony R1 and a sony cybershot dsc-w55 at the same time? ever had to stand and run about and sweat like a pig during said 4 hours?

ever had people who belittle the work and effort you had to put in something? ever had people tell you, "madali lang yan!" when in fact they have no clue as to what you had to do to get shit done?

what exactly am i getting at?

oh yeah...

i'm tired. stressed out. still sick and having problems breathing. i got rained on. slapped by the dean sa arm (sure it didn't really hurt but we are NOT close. and you do NOT slap people who are soooo tired, they're in zombie mode). i feel like an idiot for choosing to stay so i can do my job. well shit...

covering the bloody event, or ANY event for the matter, and playing photographer is NOT my job.

i feel like a total dunce, jackass, idiot, half-wit, lahat na! for staying... specially after i get told that people over at the college don't think i'm the editor-in-chief of the red lily... they think the EIC is aldrich, my news editor. they think that the dominating number of by-lines make you the EIC...

fuck that.

makes me want to cry...

they have no idea....

things like these make me hate the publication. make me regret being the EIC. make me think i'm an idiot for suffering sleepless nights laying out the paper, editing photos, being the target of our adviser's tyrades, sacrificing classes to get the damned thing done, staying on the phone for what seems like an eternity relaying corrections to the printing people...

for the record, it's not that i do not write. for two issues, i have cut my opinion collumn to make way for other people. i don't write news articles on events because i'm too busy collating every single article, making sure they're corrected and not plagiarized, figuring out what gets printed, finding the right photos for said articles and working on NOT failing in any of my subjects...

if you all think you can do a better job..
if you think the work i do is easy...
if you're bloody willing to get shot down at every turn...
if you want to work with a couple of plagiarizers and wannabees who can't effing write for peanuts...

i am BEGGING you to come up to me or our adviser and declare that you'll be a more competent, effective and substantial EIC.

===============

since i'm on a roll... might as well take this opportunity to say: the nosebleed joke is getting old people. is the bloody joke really something i have to live with just because i prefer to speak, write and think in english?

damn it. ayos lang rin naman sana kung minsanan eh at saka kung kaibigan mo lang yung gumaganon sa iyo. kaso, nakakabanas kasi talaga kung maya't maya ginaganon ka. nagseseryoso ka, may importanteng bagay kang gustong ipahayag, sasabihan ka ng "teka! nosebleed!"

huwag na lang kaya akong magsalita? tigilan ko na rin kaya ang pagiisip? sayang naman kasi yung galon-galon na dugo na umaagos ika ninyo sa inyong mga ilong. marunong rin naman akong magmalasakit. paki wari ko naman ay madali akong mapakiusapan.

oh, heto. para sa ikabubuti ng lahat. para sa bawat patak ng dugo na nagawa kong panalaytayin mula sa inyong mga ugat patungo at palabas ng inyong mga ilong, titigilan ko na. mananagalog na lamang ako.

kaso, baka naman pati ang pananagalog ko'y hindi ninyo magustuhan? hindi kasi ako marunong magsalit ng filipino... tagalog ang alam ko dahil sa sa nasugbu, batangas ako natutong managalog. pag nananagalog ako, may punto kadalasan. nasugbu, batangas ba naman.

sa pagkakataong, hindi pa rin tayo magkaintindihan dahil sa mga kadahilanang aking nabanggit, ano ang tingin ninyong nararapat kong gawin?

mahirap pumwesto sa lugar na ayaw naman sa yo.

sumisid na lang kaya ako? baka sakaling magkaintindihan kami ng aking paboritong tilapia at bangus.

hungry cranium

2008-09-25T17:23:00.000+08:00

hmm... well, TRL layout is almost done. got the 1st draft/page proof a couple of hours ago and i have penciled my corrections and i have updated the indd file that caused me much grief, stress, brain damaged, random words to dribble out my mouth and a heck of a lot of time i could've spent... well doing somethin else entirely.

anyway~~~

i dragged my worn out butt to the mall yesterday after i left the layout cd for the printer people to pick up and made a beeline for a bookstore. i didn't really plan on staying that long at fully booked. truth? i was only supposed ta get me a highlighter so i can memorize my lines for Alaric's Lady (another story, another post, another time). but being the literary nutcase that i am, i ditched the scented and cute highlighter thingies and checked out books.

funny, how the Filipiniana section of PowerBooks and FullyBooked are situated at the very back of the store where not a lot of people frequent. curiosity won over annoyance and i picked up some local stuff.

i left the store an hour (or so) later with these in a nifty widdle plastic bag

so yeah, that'll be Jay (Jeremiah) Panti's kikiam experience books.. and David Hontiveros' Craving... hmmm... kikiam and craving... am i craving kikiam? :P

the kikiam experience i've already finished. very funny. but i enjoyed what Jay wrote the most. yes yes abby. book 1 and 2 are heading your way tom. :D enjoy...

am really looking forward to craving. i have no idea what it's about and it's still wrapped in a seran wrap type of plastic cover thing... it won't be long till i rip it off and bury my nose between the pages. yeyyeah~

the moral of my trip to FullyBooked?

books written by local authors are cheap. they are there. i can't really say you should buy and read all of them but i think it's only right to give our local writters/authors a chance...

so far, Jay Panti's The Kikiam Experience is worth the 85 pesos you shell out per spine. it's funny as plumber butt cracks. but there's a widdle bit of a prerequisite in enjoying his books... ya gotta have a relatively working brain to get the funny. an IQ above 50 should do.

but if you still don't get it... well... shit. too bad. really really really effing sad. trade your soul for a working brain. you've been had, my friend!

will come back to write about the 2nd and 3rd installment of the kikiam experience when i'm done.. and i will most definitely review craving as well..

on another BOOK note. Aldrich Limlengco is using my copy of Orosa-Nakpil Malate for their book report.

hm..

give it back to me in one piece!

so guys, TV may be more interesting at times and it is a very easy way to get entertained and preoccupied but your brains won't go on strike if you picked up a book and read it cover to cover. PROMISE! :D hell, your brain just might thank you.

read. people. read.

twentieth of september 2008

2008-09-22T15:55:00.000+08:00

the looking glass

behind the looking glass
a lonely place
cold and unfeeling
but forever safe

words, hurting and meaning well,
rejected
emotions, moving, punishing
are but visions, fleeting

before the looking glass
a million and seven steps
jagged and thorned
beaten by the eternal sun

one foot in front the other
no time to relent
run when in pain
look up when lost

for the looking glass
though remote and small
will take away everything
in exchange for peace

that is absolute in its silence

=======

judgment

just when they were about to close in
never gentle, meaning to crush
swallow in the most painful way
it lets you go just.like.that.

the walls crumble
bricks hurrying, tumbling on top the other
the solitary darkness fades
drowning in a wave of light

the cage is no more
but freedom is unwanted
sound.. noise rush in
unyielding

longing for the prison
that was not
it was empty and dark
but it was safe

now vulnerable, stationary
surrounded, bombarded, in fear
hurry, quickly
bring back the shroud

sinners aren't allowed reprieve
not for the tiniest of seconds
the night forsakes
desperate, scared, alone

red, crimson, scarlet
unable to comfort
but it is warm and thick
sluggish in its beauty

guilty, never forgiven
emotions mean nothing
but debts need to be paid
in stained, loathing blood

questions give birth
to unsound resolutions
remain unmoving, unfeeling
no need, just bleed.

the looking glass & judgment
dabble doodles by

scarlet_bliss

so much for professionalism

2008-09-20T16:13:00.000+08:00

...

i'm way in over my head with work and yet here i am.

not doing anything

why?

because the damned news, opinion and sports articles are NOT with me!!!

damn it

sa susunod kayo na lng maglayout

i fucking quit!

freaking peeve-d

2008-09-09T15:04:00.000+08:00

look man, i don't know what your problem is. maybe all that power got to your head. after all, you're an officer and a staffer, teachers rely on you at times and you're trusted to do some work as well. or maybe having a girl who dotes on you, picks up after you and coddles your every whim is making your already gargantuan head expand to a size that will rival that of a flipping galaxy.

frankly, i don't give a shit if you get your kicks that way or either way or any other way.

can't you be professional at the very least?

what would it cost you to reply to a text message concerning OUR project. OUR midterm grade?!

my mistake in all of this is that i trusted you.
i should've just done my own shit.

thanks for loosing my notes.

SEND ME THE FUCKING PSD FILE ALREADY and i'll stop nagging you for the damned thing.

ikaw na nga ang tinatawagan, ayaw pang sagutin. three times i called. three times you rejected my call. feeling importante? or maybe you just aren't MAN enough to own up to your shortcomings?

resolutions... or something like it

2008-09-02T17:24:00.000+08:00

life is a bitch. i know this. but there are times, people and things that just shoots you just above the kneecap and causes you to kiss the floor in a very uncool manner.

so i made a decision.

for the time being, i've decided to survive when i can't bring myself to live.

kuya gino said that everything else other than living is just downright sucky. however, i figured this route is a better choice compared to the ragged and worn down avenue of SI.

i haven't really worked out the system yet. when i think about it, SI seems easier than the whole surviving thing. albeit it screams EMO. stupid emo fuckers. grrr... they make people like me who are clinically depressed, mentally unstable, needs anger management and are on medication look like dark make-up caking, whimpering, woe-is-me invertibrates who think the bloody spoon on the table is out to get our ass.

=.=

[so there. please do not bundle me with those people.]

where was i? oh yeah... i'll smile even though i don't have a reason to. i'll laugh even when my insides feel like one big ulcer. i'll be even more apathetic and nonchalant when pushed in a corner. i'll even make an effort to seem like i give a fuck about the itty-bitty details that i usually brush off and don't give a rat's ass about.

in a nutshell, another mask. a weirder one but it's more socially pleasing, yes?

i wonder who/which has the longer shelf-life. me or the mask?

jebus... that's so bitter, ampalaya would taste sweeter. *shrug* oh well~

no song for this entry.
not even a lyric.
i think i have a word though
totally unrelated to what's above...
however, i'm not sure if it's the right one.
but it is at the back of my mind.

drumroll please...

regrets

point blank

2008-08-31T16:13:00.000+08:00

i feel like dying
suffocate or something
let me hold onto you

it's not just LSS. i think it's how i feel right now. strange. since i ought to not feel the darker colors, see the harsher tones and hear the resounding silence.

hold me closely
don't want to suffer
i want to live than to fade away

i'm trying to decide if salvation is something that i truly want. hell. i can't even decide if i want to stay. here. in the middle of everything and nothing.

i love my family
they're too far away to touch me
i want my brother to come for me

a brother. it would be nice i guess if i had someone like that to look up to. to hold onto. to rely on. to have someone who'll yell and hit me because he cares and not because he hates me and is embarrassed by me. i scoff at the memory. in public, whilst watching that stupid basketball game. i cheered for our time and got a smack at the back of the head for it.

don't want to turn away from you
don't want to waste my time just to bleed for you
i can't believe the shit you put me through
so cover me, don't cry for me
this fear in me is killing me

a paradox. i do not wish to but another is telling me to. and that another is in me. only an idiot would cry for the likes of me. but it is a nice thought. ah fear. it consumes me. it burns and somehow reminds me that i'm alive and yet it makes me feel empty and insignificantly useless.

why?!
why don't you put it in your head
that i don't wanna die, don't wanna die for nothing

no. but i would welcome shinigami if it means the voices stop and i would no longer feel your seething mocking eyes on me.

lost my feelin' inside of me i'm bleedin'
i see the devil on your face
come separate me, be the one to take me
to a place where now I can see

i don't think i want you to.. alteast not anymore. must i lose my soul to you as well?

the other half sings another song though...

Hiding here, Hoping this will finally give me peace
Pretty please
Readying, practicing the damage on my cheek

I'm not about to crumble
I'm not about to cave
I'm not about to paint you a picture
So you'll see me
So You'll Hear Me

surrender... i'm afraid i don't do it too well.

yes, master.

2008-08-23T03:56:00.000+08:00

=.=

stuff i must accomplish over the long weekend:

siena singing idol cd :: i stayed up all night for this. the task? to burn a cd of the minus one version of the songs that the contestants will be singing at the finals which is on friday. simple enough right? since mrs. lek did give me a cd of karaoke versions or some such. i was sooo wrong. see, the cd wasn't an mp3 compilation. it was a dvd. so in the end, i had to locate and download 9 OPMs and manually get rid of the vocals of the songs. not an easy thing to do since i have no idea how to do that. but thank god and all those military geniuses for making the internet, p2p sharing and for the awesome free software that is AUDACITY! so a lot of clicking, frustrated grunts and almost falling asleep on the keyboard, i finished it! yey~! it's not 100%-vocals-free, mind you. mp3s, being incredibly compressed, just doesn't allow for clear invertions but i did what i could and at around 2am, i burned the damned cd! wooohooooooooooooooooooo~ lol. it's instrumental-y enough.

theatre script :: adaptation or no, the script is still going to recieve rewrites. and it would seem that the theater adaptation of count alaric's lady will be getting a hell of a lot of editing. me and abbygirl were throwing ideas around last night while i was figuring out how to do the audio editing shit on premiere and we had a lot of great ideas but at the end, it didn't sound like count alaric's lady anymore. haha. an adaptation of an adaptation of count alaric's lady. should be interesting. i haven't typed a single word since i'm not sure about which direction to take, so if anyone has ideas, please please, do tell~

i spent five minutes thinking of anything else that needs to get done... and the sheer magnitude of the rest of my to-do list is depressing me quite a bit

a tv script and the final version of the radio script of pinocchio and a storyboard for mc105 :: i managed to get a dent on this. with the story board the only thing that i have to do is make it on word and print it out doodle on it a bit and i'm home-free! the radio script is almost done so not much worry there. it's the effing tv script that's bugging the fuck out of me. i suck at split scripts. and what i've come up with just isn't good. grrr!!!

i was thinking of the reason as to why i'm listing out the crap i have to finish. and i think at some point i thought, it would help. but really... what the fuck was i thinking?!

aug 29. buwan ng wika activity :: i asked paula tulagan to take care of this. that's one less thing to worry about i suppose. i mean i don't have to think of how to arrange the activities for that day and make an effing programme, hunt people down to be emcees, make a script for said emcees, confirm which classes will be performing and think up of prizes for that best dressed thing and all before tuesday. because tuesday, aug 26, is when the programme is to be passed without fail! i do NOT have a thing to wear. yes, yes. we're all required to come to school in full filipiniana regalia and i sure as hell have nothing that resembles a filipiniana dress thing. abby will be renting but girl, i dont think i'll be able to swallow chucking php800 for a dress that i'll wear for half a day. lol. we'll see though.

my mind is reeling. whichever braincell thought of making this post should just die.

i am looking forward to little tinoy's (i sure hope i got the name right) birthday party~! wooo~t!!

oh god. i almost forgot about the aylc collegue assesment sheets that i have to fill out. =.= ah, how to be objective when--.... abby!!! help!!!!!

anybody got a card reader?

2008-08-20T06:53:00.000+08:00

hey hey heeey~

really sorry to those who drop by my multiply to check out their pics taken at it's your thing.

however, i took the weekend to just get plastered to the bed and unwind by mushing my brain with anime and sleep.

i'll have the pictures up by say, tonight or tomorrow morning.

drop by again then~

---

don't get caught!

---

bgm of the minute :: run it (remix) - chris brown feat juelz santana

silver lining~

2008-08-14T16:37:00.000+08:00

it's crunch time! the last quarter of the final game and the team i belong to is down by a bazillion points!

at least i have something to wear for tomorrow. all thanks to abbygirl of course! whew! gotta love having a friend who knows her way around the mall and has awesome fashion sense. :P

thanks by~

hmm...

i think i'm in denial or something. dun wanna think about tomorrow.

... i think i'm allowed to feel that way...

bite me if you have a problem with it.

heathens, smartasses and conceited fools... lend me your... eyes?

2008-08-13T20:18:00.000+08:00

hay... to say this week, this very day (wednesday) has been draining and tiring is a bloody understatement.

here's a small list of what i have to take care of this week alone:

acquaintance party :: as in, collecting of payments, compensating for and cleaning up after the officers who are MIA (Missing In Action), ineffective, causes PANDEFUCKINGMONIUM, and a hell of a lot more
a news feature about siena college and the jubilee thing
OJT
let's not forget academics

[start rant] effing sorry but i really need to get this off my chest. call me a flipping hypocrite if i didn't admit that it annoys me when i hear people say they're being overwhelmed and are getting tired from doing their council work. it's not that i don't appreciate whatever it is that they do, ang sa akin lang. sana huwag na ninyong sabihin out loud, kasi kung ikukumpara ninyo yung ikinapapagod ninyo kamo sa mga ginawa ni abby espiritu, walang wala yan. kasehodang magabsent si abby para lang makapagcollect ng payments, nagiistay sa school ng hanggang 5pm, napunta sa caterer para makipagusap, gumawa ng programme at kung ano ano pa para lang sa acquaintance party na yan! i mean, please take a moment to think about the, i'm sorry to say this, very few officers who actually work their sorry butts off, sacrifice their time and academics just to see this effing party through.[end rant]

hay buhay nga naman.

i'm starting to think me being the president of the student coordinating council is a bloody joke.

swamped

2008-08-09T09:30:00.000+08:00

i was really looking forward to a relatively laid back weekend but alas... there's no rest for the wicked and for those who want to get shit done.

kudos to abbygirl for working damn hard and for doing way more than what is expected of her. thank you and i appreciate the gargantuan effort you put into the council's activities. don't take everything on. you burning out is the last thing i'd wish for you.

it's hard to be optimistic when there's a big and very obvious cloud of impending doom over the horizon... and everything tells you that it's heading your way.

yay! fun!

dress to impress is the new theme-ish thing.

i wonder what i should/could wear...

any ideas?

think happy thoughts so you can...

2008-08-07T13:00:00.000+08:00

get screwed like a 2-bit slutwhore.

yuuuuuuuuuup~ denial can do that.

oh well.

---

at least it's not all hopeless...

---

hollowed.

unmanaged anger

2008-08-04T16:56:00.000+08:00

it stings and it's annoying because it doesn't hurt.

so much to do so much incompetence about...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay naiku.

must they be humiliated or reprimanded greatly before they learn their lesson?

=.=

would it kill you to KNOW YOUR GODDAMN PLACE?

if it does... do try your hardest!

i'll be cheering you on.

as for those who pretend and seem to be busy and active when in bloody fact they are just so bloody full of it...

i hope your bag-o-hot-air pops like a flipping zit!

sooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch loooooooooooooooooveeeeeeeeeeeee

well, sh*t

2008-07-31T13:18:00.000+08:00

miss lapastora told me that i'm a powerful student. and being the highly intellectual person that i am said, "ha?"

she went on to explain that since i'm both the editor-in-chief of the school paper and the president of the student council, i'm a powerful person.

my reply? "Naku, miss! sa pangalan lang yan!"

and it's true! if people think being in office gives me a heck of a lot of perks and i get to have things done my way. you're horridly wrong.

i, along with the whole student council, can't even get the orderlies to let us have the acquaintance/victory party without experiencing resistance and rejection at every turn. the EdBoard's honorarium is taking forever to be released and it's a total lie for me to say that everyone i work with respects me and my office.

it's called bullshit, people. and it's the cheap, thoughtless kind too.

everything's annoying to say the least and bloody unprofessional at best.

yup! lots of fun over at le alma mater.

-----------------------------------------

my fervent wish? for people to learn and practice something as basic as respect.

the truth? they'll never learn to mean it even if it their lives depended on it.

-----------------------------------------

...and it all comes down to this...

2008-07-27T11:55:00.000+08:00

=.=

as a student of mass communications, i am to accomplish a set number of hours for my practicum subject. right now, i'm finishing up the 100 hours needed for radio.

am doing it at mellow 94.7 and weekends with them are flipping fun!

i take calls and pass on requests and messages to the dj.

but happy days give birth to the bad ones.

like an insanely obsessive fan of a dj..

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

i do NOT own him. :D

post mortum

2008-07-25T13:43:00.000+08:00

This week was hell.

meh.

Here's a widdle something from LICD~ one of the best and funniest online comics around.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CjjC7B6v8Y

i have GOT to learn how fully enjoy multiply...

tap, click, type

2008-07-21T18:48:00.003+08:00

seeing as it's been forever since my last post, i decided to bump my blog back to life with this...

someone texted me earlier today and this is what he had to say:

"i listed down my reasons why i wanted to kill myself;
i did it over and over and every time i did,
it became worse- comical even." -setsuko kano

this reminded me of you.

i said thank you. i'm all for being remembered~ XD

=====

what to talk about...

i can't think of anything... except, watching someone relatively close to you become stubborn out of fear is really something. there's nothing shameful about feeling fear. but when you let it push you into a corner, that's the time one ought to feel effing silly.

pitiful is the mind frozen in fear
pathetic is the heart blinded with denial
useless is the soul that refuses to see
all of which you have become

you yearn for advice
wisdom of experience and time
yet you refuse to hear!
and chose to wear rose-colored glasses

countless are the moments of companionship
unquestionable is the strength of friendship
but infinite they are not
and time wears them thin

little child, little child
head thy sorrowed friends
cast away thy fear
embrace, instead, your tears

fight this battle
and the ones that shall be borne of it
see it as a challenge
and not as your punishment

so SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!
you're not alone on this
you got me...
even if he leaves you for shit
you WILL still have us.

sōlus

2007-10-22T02:25:00.000+08:00

somewhere, something broke into pieces
and no matter how hard one prays,
the blood lost will remain a scar forever true...

astray, how is she to find her way
when darkness is the only thing she sees
and heaven is not exactly a place she seeks?

her laughter shakes her and tears at her core
her smile is perfect and fooled everyone
but her soul carries on in tears

you see her existence as a sin
is she truly to blame
if the only treatment she can afford is pain?

time is without mercy and fate often cruel
when will she find that point in her life
that will be her anchor and reason?

resignation leaves her to sigh
numb, she looks out the window
but the view never caught on...

bitter coals

2007-09-08T16:31:00.000+08:00

take your leave and never look back.
i have no silver to give you nor are you worth as much.

heaven will shun you and purgatory will mock your plight.
no answer will be given to your seeking eyes.

away with your falsehood and turn from your grace.
it is not glory you seek but of pain you reek.

unwanting is your mind and unsure is your heart.
peace is an idea you will never take hold of.

thrust into the darkness and revel in the cold.
the blood runs its course but stops for one.

my lord is your hero and my death your release.
have at me for not much time is left.

offer not your claim of love
i have no need or want for it
suffer not on my behalf
only a fool would subject to it

here before you little is left
much was ripped from me, stolen
taken from me, my sanity and being
i am my person no longer

lay not upon me your comfort
i have done little to deserve it
let me trickle slowly
show you how i fall

what you speak of warms me not
keep your arms away and to your soul
salvation is for those who seek it
i most certainly do not

pardon a brief moment of thanks
despite the hate is debt
take it and never look back
i have nothing else to give you..

nor am i worth that much.

thank you

2007-08-24T19:44:00.000+08:00

for finding me when i gave up

for wiping the tears that never came

for holding me close when i fell apart

for hearing every silent scream

for the kindness,

for letting me know you're there

for the one thing i never thought i was allowed to have

one last thing...

would you mind telling me who you are?

morning... um... what's the color for craziness? :P

2007-08-11T09:09:00.000+08:00

date :: august 8, 2007

time :: madaling araw // around 4:30 in the morning

what :: raffy, my úber laptop, was subjected once more to one of my random and insanely weird strokes of "creativity"

haha

i woke up early, i dont know why. it didnt make much sense to me since my class starts at 11am. anyway, i couldnt find sleep again so i powered raffy up and surfed and downloaded some songs for awhile.

all was good until i couldnt decide on which songs to download and blogs to read.

so,

boredom + me + photoshop + a bunch of pictures = a pathetic hodgepodge i would like to call.. ahm... art. [ang kapal ren ng mukha ko kung minsan. XD]

feel free to subject your eyes to the product of my temporary brush with boredom induced insanity :P

*click on the image thingy for a higher resolution copy :P*

damn freaking flabbit~!

2007-07-25T20:38:00.000+08:00

oh.my.good.lord.in.heaven.

*sigh* i can't even begin with how things turned out today.

but allow me to say this...

i'm glad things are cool between the two of you...

sure i favor you over the other...

but i'm really glad you're not after each other's throats anymore..

seriously,

i'm glad you're safe.

i sure hope you keep it that way...

hugs all around

2007-07-24T19:39:00.000+08:00

*ahem*

*HUUUG~!!!*

...

2007-07-15T17:42:00.000+08:00

i'm going to indulge myself and come up with another "emo" post.

yes yes, emo...

shove it.

---

friday, 13th of july

i got reacquainted with dread
held hands with despaire
felt what little sanity i have left crumble like a damned pulvoron.

---

saturday, 14th of july

i learned what it means to be in pain.
immense, great, hellish pain

it sluggishly made its presence known
and unrelentingly and mercilessly
stayed at the peak

the climax of pain
there was so much of it
i passed out

remained unconscious
till my pathetic body could cope

breathing is no longer an option

---

sunday, 15th of july

defiance of the worst kind,

resignation

it's never too late to play the old games

2007-07-02T10:03:00.000+08:00

i suppose i've neglected my blog for so long but that's just the way it is.

i could have written about how hellish summer classes were or my moderately annoying trip to hong kong or how i'm handling things at the TRL office but i'll skip all of that and write about yesterday afternoon.

i learned that it really is never too late to play the games one used to play as a kid. :P i ended up playing with my niece, who's 19, and four other kids from our street.

we played touching ball. a game that is similar to dodge ball.

we ended up changing teams quite a bit but it was freakishly fun. i never thought sweating as much as i did last night and throwing a ball at your playmates could be fun.

we got so noisy that the old lady living near where we were playing went outside her house to check us out. lol. she wasn't too happy about the noise.

she freaked me out there for a bit. she really has a mean streak.

anyway, it was fun. i ended up tagging most of the players. hehehehe.

and the kids i teamed up with are cool.

so yeah... it's never too late to play the games we used to play as kids.

i just might try interesting the neighborhood kids to play "tyato" next time.

XD

fussing over you.

2007-04-02T17:49:00.000+08:00

^^ cheezy title ne?

tonikaku..

tegami.. letters... sulat... as in snail mail. people, i think have lost their appreciation for the aforementioned object.

i'm not going into detail. i am too tired for that.

---

i'm relieved to know pumpkin's doing fine. i still wish he didnt have to put himself in that kind of "isolating" situation though..

*sigh*

---

i have terrible penmanship. i guess i'll have to settle for having my next letters typewritten. typewritten letters lack affection though.. it's too, impersonal almost.

bah.

---

summer heat. winter aftermath. it's hot over here but it's freezing over there. i'm not sure if you read my blog, nii-chan, but you really need to do something about *it*

...before *it* drives you insane.

---

swept and blown away

further, higher up the sky

to the ground, breathless

atsui..

2007-03-27T14:53:00.000+08:00

it's hot.

ang init.

yep. summer's here and it's not being shy at all~! thankfully, the summer season allows me to enjoy the holy week at my grandma's. meaning total relaxation, seemingly endless cooking of breakfast for all and let's not forget the beach.

sure sure.. i'm not really supposed to have fun during the said holiday. but i'll be damned if i dont get a chance to shrivel up like an over-sized prune on the beach. :D

---

hmm... there's a whole bunch of things i need to get done before the week ends. enroll for summer classes, have my passport renewed, enroll for language school.

summer classes, a seemingly mundane activity that forces you to haul your ass off and out of your bed and get ready for school in this unforgiving heat.

passport business. i'm going to hongkong~! *gasp* i'm going out of the country for the first time! yay. shopping. i would have to miss out on the first week of classes. o.O why am i not really enjoying this?

language school. japanese and french! yeah~ see, i'm really working hard to use up all my braincells so they dont just disintegrate without being utilized.

i wonder if i'll ever survive the summer...

---

and here i thought that nobody could mess with my head more than he did/has. obviously i am quite mistaken here. somebody trumped guy-previously-mentioned! and i can't believe just how much he's got my brain in knots on what seems to be very minimal effort.

hmmmm...

:D

i'm having fun~!

payback's a bitch

2007-03-23T22:40:00.000+08:00

i do it to myself. hell, i do a lot of things to myself and not that kind you're thinking you perv. but it holds true. i do a lot of stupid things to myself.

like allowing myself to wander and then feel and eventually long for something, anything, someone, anyone..

*sigh*

i ought to stop and since i am familiar with this pattern i should just not get into it. but one way or another i still end up in this bitter bitter state of mind.

it's a stroke of genius on my part. really, it is.

+++

ever lost something you don't own?
ever had something that is not yours?
ever wanted something that you know is set to make a mess of your life but can't refuse?
ever reached out for a hand that was never really there?
ever love/d the "wrong" person?
ever thought it would be better to just dream than to live in something as vile as reality?

+++

jesus.

the angst and the emo-ness of it all is suffocating. ew.

*sigh*

reading more than a handful of fics does that to you.

uncommon sense.

2007-03-18T00:21:00.000+08:00

a little before 12 midnight i get an im from this guy i dont know but is on my contacts.. here's how the conversation went..

Aldrich Argana: hey
Aldrich Argana: sup?
Jem-chan: not much..
Aldrich Argana: ano po cors mo?
Aldrich Argana: need help eh
Jem-chan: mass comm...
Jem-chan: with what?
Aldrich Argana: yaikes.. kala ko nursing..
Aldrich Argana: fianals ko kasi pregnancy at abortion.. tapos kailangan ko mag defense..
Jem-chan: hmm okay
Jem-chan: what about it?
Aldrich Argana: eh wala naman ako knowledge about pregnancy eh.. kala ko nursing ka rin kaya syempre mas aware girls dun [wtf?!]
Jem-chan: ^^ may notes ka na dun dba?
Jem-chan: tingin ko
Aldrich Argana: wala
Aldrich Argana: abortion lang..
Aldrich Argana: meron
Jem-chan: mas maraming alam na data ang libro at internet sa ken
Aldrich Argana: wala eh.. hirap sa net.. buti nga hindi thesis na tipong papa survey ako ng pro and anti abortion eh..
Aldrich Argana: tsk tsk
Aldrich Argana: kung ikaw pro or anti pro abortion and why?
BUZZ!!!
Jem-chan: anti abortion
Aldrich Argana: waht if ayaw mo then gusto ng guy or vice versa?
Jem-chan: people need to learn to own up to their actions and its consequences
Aldrich Argana: waht if ayaw mo then gusto ng guy or vice versa?
Jem-chan: ayaw ko na ano?
Aldrich Argana: maging pregnant
Aldrich Argana: maybe too young or incest or scared sa parents..
Jem-chan: well, it would still be my body
Jem-chan: my decision
Jem-chan: and i think i would just end up having the baby if ever
Aldrich Argana: eh waht if ikaw ang may ayaw tapos gusto ng guy?
Aldrich Argana: *what
Jem-chan: ewan ko lng
Jem-chan: hindi ko masasagot yan
Jem-chan: kasi sa totoo lang
Aldrich Argana: hirap diba..
Jem-chan: hindi ko nakikita ung sarili ko sa posisyon na yan
Jem-chan: kung gagawa ako ng katangahan handa akong panagutan kung ano man ang kalalabasan nun
Jem-chan: hindi ko na problema ang ibang tao
Aldrich Argana: kailangan ko pa mag hanap ng nagpa abort.. tsk tsk.. kasi masyadong mababaw ung takot sa parents or too young.. kasi meron ako friend 15 years old pero single mom
Jem-chan: ah okies
Aldrich Argana: pedia kasi prof dun kaya kaialangan detailed eh.. langya eh sa net puro medical abortion lang eh.. walang pros and cons..
Aldrich Argana: dapat pa ata mag hanap ako ng taga states para masagot ung mga un eh.. dun kasi alam ko legal un eh.. then sa pinas alam ko bawal
Jem-chan: tama
Aldrich Argana: pano ko naman iddefense kung bakit bawal dito tapos sa ibang bansa pede.. [yeaaah.. how the heck is he going to ever "defense" that?!]
Jem-chan: kasi po
Jem-chan: the philippines
Jem-chan: is mostly a catholic country
Aldrich Argana: what if itanung nung panel na bakit sa states maliking bansa legal sya tapos sa pinas na napaka sikip na bawal?
Jem-chan: and since abortion is against hte teachings fo the catholic church
Jem-chan: abortion is illegal
Aldrich Argana: ano ung hte?
Jem-chan: the
Jem-chan: typo lng
Aldrich Argana: ah..
Jem-chan: how old are you?
Aldrich Argana: 23
Jem-chan: ah.. i see
Aldrich Argana: pero never pako naka buntis ah
Jem-chan: right
Aldrich Argana: 23 2nd year nursing [you for real? 23? really?!]
Jem-chan: ok
Aldrich Argana: and you how old?
Aldrich Argana: or how young?
Jem-chan: 21
Aldrich Argana: ah wait.. sabi mo bawal diba.. pero bakit meron kaming prof na pag nakita sa ultrasound na magiging trisonomy 21 ung pinag bubuntis open daw sya sa abortion..
Aldrich Argana: see.. nakasalalay pagiging 3rd year ko dun..
Jem-chan: i have no idea what a trisonomy 21 is
Aldrich Argana: mongoloid..
Jem-chan: but i'm guessing it's nothing like a normal pregnancy
Jem-chan: it's all a matter of perspective and personal morals eh
Aldrich Argana: ung magiging special child.. nowadays nakikia na sa ultra sound un eh..
Jem-chan: your prof probably thinks that the child will not have much of a future as a "mongoloid" so he'd rather not have the child live
Aldrich Argana: kaya nga.. but still nasa pinas sya.. so BAWAL.. eh bakit nya sasabihin na open sya sa ganun..
Jem-chan: because
Jem-chan: he pities the child
Jem-chan: he believes its existence wont be fruitfull or would only be painfull
Aldrich Argana: pwede ba sa court un..
Jem-chan: ..i think it's pretty easy to spot his reasons
Jem-chan: i wouldnt know
Jem-chan: my knowledge of the philippine constitution doesnt include the family code
Aldrich Argana: but still sa batas ng pinas bawal..
Aldrich Argana: un ung nakita ko sa net..
Jem-chan: why do you think your professor woudl allow it then?
Jem-chan: has he done it?
Aldrich Argana: sabi nya daw
Aldrich Argana: "oo" daw.. once..
Jem-chan: why do you suppose he went ahead and did it
Jem-chan: think
Jem-chan: put yourself in your prof's shoes
Jem-chan: rationalize
Aldrich Argana: syempre may sariling mundo ung baby.. pero sabi nya nga illegal.. pero open sya sa ganun..
Jem-chan: why nga
Jem-chan: bakit sa tingin mo open sya dun
Aldrich Argana: hindi naman un ang tanung ko eh.. kung open sya edi bahala sya.. kung sasabihin nya na kaysa pahirapan mo ung bata sa pag laki at ung parents edi terminate na agad.. pero nasa law ng pinas na BAWAL ang abortion.. hindi naman pedeng pag dating sa court sasabihin nya na naawa lang ako..
Jem-chan: that's true
Jem-chan: so what other reasons do you think your prof has
Aldrich Argana: so bakit nya isasacrifice un PHD nya para lang dun? dba..
Jem-chan: what do you think is the answer to that question
Aldrich Argana: labo mo kausap
Aldrich Argana: lahat ng tanung ko binalik mo
Aldrich Argana: thanks anyways,
Jem-chan: because the answers need to come from you
Jem-chan: it's how you interpret the problem
Jem-chan: you cant use my way of reasoning for your defense because the answer wouldnt be yours and you may not be able to support it
Jem-chan: gets mo?

*sigh*

he single-handedly made me lose faith and trust in the future philippine health care system..

giggles

2007-03-13T20:30:00.000+08:00

;p

cheers~

the semester and the academic year is nearing it's end. it doesn't, by any means, signify that hell week or hell season is over but the thought of a long vacation after those weeks of headaches and cramming and toiling is enough to make me feel giddy.

i am going back to school in the summer though. lol. summer classes. i don't mind it that much so it's all good.

XD

300 is the freaking best~!

if you haven't seen it... you're definitely missing out.

*ahem*

it will all be over by the time the school year officially closes!

:P

copy + paste

2007-03-11T20:45:00.000+08:00

HOW GOD MADE THE PHILIPPINES!!

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was
missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting
on the seventhday.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly
pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look,Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, but cold and harsh
while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant."

"I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched
deserts."

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will
be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed
to a group of Islands and said, "What are those?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines, the most
glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and
forests.

The people from the Philippines are going to be
handsome, modest,
intelligent and humorous and they are going to be
found traveling the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high
achieving and they
will be known throughout the world as carriers of peace and love."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then
proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance. "

God replied wisely,

"Wait until you see the idiots I designated as their leaders."

**entry read and copied from Tokneneng

myTunes //new videos//

2007-03-11T18:40:00.000+08:00

:P thank you j-kun for the introducing me ^.~

the videos~!!

***

turning 21 isn't as grand as people make it...

2007-03-10T09:30:00.000+08:00

for those of you who aren't in the know, i turned 21 last march 7 of this year.

i was excited for the most part. i left being 20 with the most interesting of experiences but now that the hype of my birthday has worn off.. i'm starting to think that being 21 isn't that great.

it's just another year. what makes it different from the rest?

hmm... what's tugging at my brain cells is the fact that i might be going through emotions that are set on a cyclical pattern. i just turned 21 but angst is just right around the corner, to which i'll give my mom sole credit for.

...

i am such a juvenile.

---

on school::

march 8, '07

i wake up around 4 in the morning after only having 2 hours of sleep to work on my book report that was due later on that day. the rest of the class, albeit two people, get to pass their report next week, but i was told that my deadline was to be on that day.

alright.

ever the procrastinator, i only began working on my book report that week. wednesday morning to be more exact.

anyway,

true to my cramming skills, i finish the paper. i'm guessing i'll get a b+ if not an a- on it since there's going to be a verbal report to go along with it.

very much sleep deprived, i haul my sorry ass to school and wait for lit class. 1pm... 1:30pm... BOOM~! we were told all afternoon classes were cancelled that day..

i think my brain died and was revived at the same moment.

*sigh*

as if that wasn't enough.. i went back to the house and straight to bed feeling really pissed about a whole damn lot of things. [note: angst.] my pod was turned way up and the fans were directed towards the general direction of my bed. i was pretty much set to enjoy an isolated, detached sleep. come to think of it, i was already asleep when i felt a hand on my forehead and it wont go away.

i pull one of the ear plugs from my ears and open my eye to see my mom hovering over me.
me: what?
her: did someone bully you at school?
me: [what the flying fuck?!] no.
her: [keeps at the annoying thing she was doing to my head] you okay?
me: [leave me alone..] yes! i just want to catch up on some sleep.

i put the ear plug back and i close my eyes. i feel her leave. i wake up around 6 in the evening. mama, my aunt, sat beside me and i woke up because of the bed shifting. i greet her and she tells me things i'll just leave out since that would mean a lengthier post. that's when i notice the pins and needles sensation on my hands. i look at them and lo~! they're swollen and bloody red.

allergic reaction.

i only ate once that day. breakfast. with my mom. stuff she bought. must be the fish or the shrimp. seafood allergy. effing great.

the swelling has gone done since i changed meds. i get to have the pink pills with steriods in them. bleah. the only upside is that the meds knock me out most of the time so it's all good. i ended up having to cancel my drinking session with a couple of buds to celebrate my birthday.

like i said, the swelling has gone down.. only to be replaced by the annoying itching. heh.

seriously... kids, if you think turning 21 will be some sort of exodus or life-changing chapter..

fucking think again.

-----

...

2007-03-05T19:54:00.000+08:00

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*sigh*

injustice..

2007-03-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

my phone somehow ended up catching a virus.. it flickered and died on me earlier today around lunch time..

wonderful...

i ended up in robinson's place ermita with my mom around 4:30pm. left my phone with the repairshop and went ahead to see how we could kill a whole hour. an hour that the repair people spent on reformatting my phone and, in the process, deleting everything that's saved in the phone's built-in memory.. e.g. my whole phonebook, pictures, etc.. etc... etc...

it's now working alright.. i somehow ended up saving some of the numbers on my sim so it wasn't a total loss... i still feel bad about it though..

oh well...

...

2007-03-03T10:19:00.000+08:00

o.O

>.<

what the fuck is wrong with me?!

X.x

the things i do to pass time~

2007-02-28T21:57:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

ahem-ahem isang munting mensahe

2007-02-24T13:38:00.000+08:00

sikat sikat
tapos punta sa buwan
baka doon makakuha ng hinahanap na
katotohanan

kasi nga naman
wento ng wento
kwentuhan lng
buti sana kung may kabuluhan
at kaunting katotohanan
ang mga pinagkakalat sa iba

ang iba naman
natuwa ng sobra
walang pakialam basta may makita

paano kasi
naiiba
kaya nakakatuwa
pero
baka bukas
pagsawaan na

bakit kaya sinimulan?
eh kung maubusan ng ideya?
paano na?

sabi ko na nga eh
punta punta na lang sa buwan
baka doon
doon
dun

haaay..
ang tao nga naman
pag walang magawa
bigla bigla na lang
magsasalita

pero
para sa pagkakataong nasa isip ko
kulang
kulang na kulang ang galing sa isip lang

walang masama
sa pakikipaglokohan sa iba
mali
bola lang pala
kaya okay lang

pero pag napagod na ang isip
at naisipan nang totohanin
may marating ka kaya?

sana

at para sa 'yo na ren,
meron
malayo den sana ang pagpulutan sayo

pero kung hindi
at mapansin
na napaatras pa
sayang..

hindi..

kawawa naman.

no?

wawa naman siya..

-----

o.O oookaaaay~ i'll keep the reason as to why that came out to myself. :P heehee

thanks for eleven71188 for telling me to post this bloody thing.

i think it's quite alright to say..

2007-02-23T19:13:00.000+08:00

i feel lonely.

^^

a couple of years ago, i would've said i'm lonely but i grew older and realized that there's a difference between being alone and feeling like you are...

watashi wa hitori janai..

i've said that before. but it's only now that i learned what it really meant.

=p

i really do feel lonely at this very moment... or maybe i just feel a wee bit empty. either way, it's alright as long as i know that i am not alone.

unreal.

2007-02-20T19:28:00.000+08:00

i know emcee-ing is part of being a mass communications student but it is sooo not fair to have to do it by yourself, with only an hour to prepare.

i did enjoy the talk//forum though...

i was forced to enjoy it.. if i didn't, i would have shrivelled up and died out of boredom.

one of the speakers gave me his calling card.. he said to call him up if we ever need a speaker who'll talk about careers and what not..

it kinda tripped me out a bit when he all of a sudden pulled out his wallet and gave me his card. see, the forum hasn't ended around that time.

*shrug*

i'm craving for a chicken mcrice thingy.

i want something new to listen to..

hmm.. crushes are such short-lived engagements for me..

^^ it was fun to be kilig and all that while i fussed over you but now would be a good time as any to move on. :P don't get me wrong.. you're still cute and witty and all the stuff i said you were but-but-but~

^.~

you don't have to look..

just

listen

myTunes <3

2007-02-13T19:30:00.000+08:00

"Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide"
-Collide by Howie Day

it's best to let the music do all the talking at times...

"Don't let yourself go

Cause everybody cries

And everybody hurts

Sometimes "

-Everybody Hurts by The Corrs

a fact, a universal one... one i'm living out right now..

"There's a lot of things I understand

And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know

But you're the only face I recognize

It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

It's alright, I'm ok

I think God can explain

I believe I'm the same

I get carried away

It's alright, I'm ok

I think God can explain

I'm relieved, I'm relaxed

I'll get over it, yeah"

-I Think God Can Explain by Splendor

ugh! bleah~

2007-02-11T18:54:00.000+08:00

...because some people, very much like the person who gave birth to you, are hypocrites!!!

sure, i am not the most religous person on the bloody solar system. i do not attend mass every sunday, nor do i pray every night before going to bed but i sure as hell don't mess around when it comes to the big guy way up there..

*sigh*

atleast i don't go to mass when i don't feel like it. i don't participate in processions when i'm mad and i definitely don't go around scolding my daughter on a street corner where there are a lot of people around to hear and see!!!!!!

schist...

end notes :: (totally unrelated.. sort of~)

xander :: thanks for the earrings. they're incredibly pretty and i like them. i'm sorry i woke you when i called earlier.

tux~!!! my zedge buddy of mine~ :: i miss exchanging texts with you tooo~ and thanks for dropping by my blog every time you're online ;p

chiki :: get well soon, bunny. much prayers and love.

i now leave you to ponder on life, love, food, sports... poop? or whatever it is that you must reflect on with this...

lewey bear and the death glare~

isn't he just plain cute? :P

social kilig~

2007-02-08T20:37:00.000+08:00

hmm...

did you know that there are a couple of kinds of yawns? one of which is the social yawn. when one sees another yawn that person tends to yawn and when another person sees that person yawn he yawns himself...

i did not make that up..

anyway... so that's the social yawn.. i never thought that kilig could be contagious too.

apparently, everyone is kilig for me. i got back from my monday outing with chiki and her friend, xander [i refuse to call him al] past midnight, tuesday. in my hand was a boquet of white roses xander bought and gave me on a whim while we were drinking at sharkies.

x.X

i was telling ate lady about said evening when she and my sister all of a sudden veared the conversation to...

is he cute?

what do you guys text about?

and the heavy hitter c/o my cousin,

so you have a date for valentine's na?

my mind just reeled and i couldn't help but go, "ha?!"

but here's the thing.. everyone else is experiencing kilig on my account, right? how come i'm not feeling it?

:P

but to answer their questions:

yep, he's cute and we text about all sorts of stuff. i prefer talking with him than texting with him though..

it's all so juvenile

2007-02-02T13:46:00.000+08:00

yeeeep~

as if it wasn't enough for the cosmos to have me think my classmate is cute, it just had to play things up a bit.

my sister and her friend were incredibly amused to find that i do have a crush on someone. it's kind of silly really since i'm already 20 and i had the impression that you would have to be a tween to crush on someone. obviously, i'm horridly wrong.

anyway..

i watched the smirk grow on my sister's face as she listened to me say that that guy was the perfect mixture of intellect and kulit. it's true! he's smart and insanely amusing. he would have me laugh and smile at his expense. :P he's no clown, mind you. he kept me from dozing off in class without having to resort to mediocrity.

yesterday, aside from our usual chatter while "listening" to our prof, he scribbled on a piece of paper and slapped it on my table. next thing i know, we've already used up the sheet and he took out one whole yellow paper. lol

looking back, note passing while verbally talking about something else is something i don't usually do. come to think of it, what we wrote about isn't exactly something i would "talk" about with a classmate..

O.o this whole crush and kilig thing is totally insane! amusing and funny but insane nonetheless..

i guess it's just as he wrote: to be continued...

:P

i found something interesting to read..

only thing left to do is to find myself a copy. :P

a little bit of that

2007-01-24T02:46:00.000+08:00

a friend of mine told me that all we need is a little bit of kilig.

i thought he was crazy. :P

it's a pretty interesting feeling, that kilig. so interesting that there's no english word for it. it's relatively hard to explain since the feeling is different for everyone. me? i feel a hodgepodge of mushy gushy teenybopper-ish kinds of emotions. i'd feel giddy [like *squee* kind of giddy. -.-;;], cute and flushed all at the same time.

pathetic and just plain idiotic when you think about it. then again, feeling it is another ball game.

i'm not going to go into details. i think i already overtold the story. XD

now what would be a great track for said kilig moment?

o.O can't think of any songs. lol :D leave it.

my piso's worth :: being kilig [good lord. i sound so bloody conio X.x] is like having ice cream. you don't fuss about making a mess or not having any after finishing your cone. you just focus on enjoying the pleasantly cold treat. don't start wandering away thinking that it could be more than just plain kilig and start planning a wedding! ^^ see, the best thing is to just savor the moment but don't stay there forever.

it just makes for good chitchat ;P

heehee look at what i found~ :D

movie :: Step Up
song :: Till the Dawn
by :: Drew Sidora

color me bored

2007-01-21T16:56:00.000+08:00

i want to dance another night away.

:P

yeeep~ friends who can dance and wouldn't mind getting real close, booze and awesome beats are all i need.

^^ too bad i'm not that much of a party girl.

clubbing anyone?

"If you let go,

the music should groove your bones"

a eulogy... of sorts

2007-01-07T09:23:00.000+08:00

i would like to believe something profound caused my mind into such a pitifull standstill. i wish i could put the blame on a person who has caused me immense amounts of grief. but i am afraid i am the only one to blame for the death of my mind.

i have become careless and let myself go when i should have hung on with every fiber of my being. the sudden onslaught of having friends and responsibilities has caused me to lose focus and eventually found my way to shamefull neglect.

oh, what i fool i have been. oh, what i distastefull thing i have become!

is it too late to regain what i have so foolishly thrown away? is there nothing i can do to rid myself of this cancer?

oh my dear, most cherished vengefull love, could you ever find it in that wonderfully twisted heart of yours to grant me exile? your distance consumes me. your words, heavy with bitter passion, make me ache. spare me a second or two to think.

wonderful isn't it? i can't even keep on one track of thought..

the new e

2007-01-06T08:08:00.000+08:00

raffy just finished upgrading us to windows internet explorer 7

well.. maybe it's just me and having been used to the older version of IE but ver. 7 feels a wee bit funny. i guess it's great that it's less cluttered, having utilized smaller icons as opposed to the chunky wordy ones of the previous IE.

having the address bar way up is something that will have to grow on me. but with the search bar just right beside it, i feel like my yahoo toolbar's websearch part is redundant..

the yahoo toolbar aside, i like how everything is laid out for me. version 7 is cleaner and easier to use.

there's absolutely noone up there..

2007-01-04T15:22:00.000+08:00

i lost my brain..

i can't function well and i can't work..

maybe SHE can help.

just click on your bloody sign and voilá! no more troubles.

yeah right..

beloved

2007-01-03T19:14:00.000+08:00

i've grown tired of repeatedly beating myself up over being painfully single.

not being able to have someone to love, share and hold can, at the worst of times, make one ache.

for me, it has caused immense amounts of frustration, doubt, depression and confusion.

sans amour

i am without love.

it's quite alright though.. all the times i was alone has taught me a great deal. i like to believe that my solitude, if you could call it that, has taught me to love more.. better.

i may not have been so unfortunate after all... i may, in fact, be a person who has a lot of love in me.

i think it would be incredibly nice if you came crashing into my life again.. even if you would just leave as fast as you came. if that's not possible that's okay too. i think i can find a piece of you in another person and that would be enough. cruel, fake but enough.. suki dayo..

emo post. yes, i know. but for some strange reason.. i think i'll hang on to that oh so familiar dinky sinking feeling and keep it to myself.

i want to see the flip side.

damn it!!!

2006-12-30T02:46:00.000+08:00

it's TWO in the fucking morning..

and all you assbrains can think of is setting off those infernal fireworks on the fucking THIRTIETH (30) of bloody JANUARY?!

buti sana kung isa dalawang putok lang.. buti sana kung putek na madaling araw ng 31 hanggang a-uno ng enero..

pero hindi eh!!!!

fucking idiots set off TWO! yes count them, two!!!!!!! sets of those looooong whistling and booming firecrackers..

freaking p#$&ng*na ninyong lahat! may mga taong katulad ko na pagod, masakit ang katawan, puyat at kagagaling lang sa sakit na hindi na nakakatulog once na magising.

MAGPATULOG KAYO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont bloody care if you guys have all the money in the whole damned universe to waste on fireworks!!!

let's just hope none of you inconsiderate sons of bitches get your stupid fugly heads blown off..

last na ito..

mga gago!

...

2006-12-28T17:38:00.000+08:00

i think i'll be crying tonight..

april 10, 2006..

i want to bleed it all away..

oh booger

2006-12-27T10:49:00.000+08:00

daaamn it..

inggit ako!

actually.. i ought to stop reading those gracefully written romance fics i have in file..

*sigh*

i know not everyone reads yaoi/shonen-ai and whathaveyou.. hell.. not everone likes to read but..

After the Fire

T'was the Night

...

waaaaaaaaaah!

;(

here's the piano version of Bana's Shell from Witch Hunter Robin

of stuffed rabbits and carebears..

2006-12-26T19:30:00.000+08:00

well.. this year's christmas sure was interesting.. lots of fun, medicine and sleep.

i actually have nothing to say.

i'm too tired from the drive from my grandma's to here.

i'm still sick, but on the way to recovery.

a hug is all i asked for..

to whom this may concern

2006-12-22T20:23:00.000+08:00

past experiences told me writing a letter like this one is like tossing a lit cigarette butt into a drum of oil.

but the year is ending and right now, i don't care if some things or someone blows up.

^^

let's start shall we?

oh muffy~ i wish i could tell you straight how much i hate you and wish for you to suffer eternal torture.. after which i would like to step on what little balls you have and crush them..

happy holidays everyone!

random moments XD

2006-12-18T19:23:00.000+08:00

two exams down three more to go...

hell week sucks.

but life really does have a funny of helping one out. well, in my case, it wasn't so much help but an unexpected way of amusing me..

i came out of my world lit exams feeling totally defeated. i had no idea our prof would have us filling in the blanks of excerpts of some of the poems we discussed and figure out which poem it is and who wrote it. as if that wasn't enough, she had as "quote" a stanza from three different poems. bleah!

i brushed the sinking feeling off and told myself i still had theo8 to worry about and that i have to perfect the bloody exam. freaking harder than i thought! there were items we never discussed in class and i had four items which i left blank. so much for acing the test.

'round past 5, i found myself along with chiki, ethel, marie and lester in Wham! [some burger joint along banawe] we ate, talked, hung out and left after a good two hours. rode a jeep to q. ave with chix and hailed myself an fx bound for manila.

i ended up sitting at the back which i dont really enjoy especially when i'm in my tent of a uniform and the fx had that big ass door that swings up instead of opening to the side. my Pod was playing L'arc~en~ciel's Stay Away when this [relatively cute] guy lugging around this big case, that i assumed contained a violin, opened the door and squeezed himself in at the back. i made a little noise thinking that my hair was caught in the door. he pulled his case to his left and asked me if my feet were okay, to which i answered yeah.

you see, he got on blumentritt and my stop was before maceda. when i saw the gasoline station i said, "sa tabi lang po" but the fx veered to the left. the dude opposite me yelped "PARA!" and the fx proceeded to go to the right side of the road to let me off.

end of story? not quite!

the freaking door was a bitch to open. the handle wasn't facing me and the guy ended up opening the door for me after much fumbling with the handle. i carefully got off, minding my head and the low clearance of the abominable door. once on the side walk i turned to the fx as it began to drive away when i noticed the relatively cute guy waving goodbye to me. i just ended up smiling and waving back to him.

lol.

life can be a total bitch and a seriously helpless jester at the same time.

geh.

psychology and mc102 tomorrow. yikes.

they played this song at wham! a bunch of times. ^^ major lss but love the song! :P

randomness kills

2006-12-17T08:10:00.000+08:00

i just realized that my english is failing me. not to mention i havent really brushed up on my japanese.

these are one of those things you just don't want to wake up to but i did. i ought to stock up on books to read and documentaries to watch just so i could get back half of the english i lost to carelessness before i write my articles.

at this rate.. i'll never be able to move on to french and spanish. ugh. i'm doomed.

ANYWAY

:P good luck to the people joining the prayer rally stint today. sorry i won't be there with you guys on the account of my mom not letting me. [i've never been so happy to be told i'm not allowed to go :P] do take care though. there's no telling what half-witted money-driven monkeys would do..

on a side-note:

listening to jessa zaragoza sing the english version of first love is really something. -.-;;

here:

i was listening to this and it just sounded strange to me. like utada was in the middle of mmm... giving birth? while singing this song. so i looked it up on youtube and lo! i've never been so impressed and uneasy at the same time. her english definitely improved but the manner in which she delivered the song is just hard for me to chew... *shrug* maybe it's just me.

oh well..

movie reruns and bad weather

2006-12-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

saturdays are sick. i can't believe the day i start missing being IN school came!

heh! the dean wishes i miss school but it's not really the college that i miss. it's the people.. yeah.. the people. some of them are sicker than the school and the dean put together but the ones i hang with are awesome.

kuya lester... you freaking missed out! :P

i found myself in school yesterday afternoon even though i didnt have any exam scheduled for that day. i ended up in starbucks with ethel, marie, john, chiki, joel, ralph and mark. the number of theresians that i saw surprised me but i was taken aback at how they acted. that's another ball game though. it took me awhile to understand that the alumni are of a different breed than the current ones. :P

ethel and i ended up sitting together inside starbucks while the whole lot of them remained outside for the freedom to smoke, heat and less chattering from the other patrons inside the store. i'm excited for ethel's movie project! she allowed me to read her script and it's pretty damn interesting. i really can't wait to see it. i'm pretty sure it'll turn out great~! much luck on that..

ralph.. i learned the most amusing way NOT to let you drink more than one serving of any caffeinated drink. it was fun to watch you ride that caffeine high of yours. you really are just plain cute~

hmm...

i worked on my christmas list earlier today.. still got to figure out what to give to three people. @.@ i just hope i manage to come up with something before the year ends.

friends, if all goes well, expect your gifts in january. ^^

skip, trip, hop... deal.

2006-12-13T12:48:00.000+08:00

tunes: Restless by Evil Nine (Tokyo Drift OST)
what's your excuse?: absolutely NOTHING!

~(",~) (~.")~

in my efforts not to sleep in my world lit class yesterday, i ended up chatting with the philam guy in our class. i think alfred is his name. ^^; sorry i'm not really that good with remembering stuff.

anyway..

i ended up learning that he's into japanese music. yeeep! ayumi hamasaki in particular. XD i've never been so amused in my life. i dont have a lot of tracks on ayumi save for the ones she did for inuyasha so i decided to youtube her.

i found this:

interesting dont ya think? the girl is ayumi hamasaki and the guy she's singing with is the legendary gackt!

and then... i found this...

isn't it just plain cute? :P

relaxation is a feat only a few can do

2006-12-08T06:01:00.000+08:00

i think the intramurals is finally at its end. the only thing left to do is to attend the awarding ceremony on monday and go back to our regular classes the day after..

i'm glad it's going to be over soon.

to my team mates, good job and good game all around.

the women's blue team lost all of their games ofcourse. i contributed little to us not losing so much. i'm seriously not built for running or shooting or recieving and stopping a ball. i'm leaving basketball and volleyball to the professionals.

to our competitors.. great job. ^^ thanks for trying not to murder us so much like your predecessors did last year.

i ought to take up a sport that is a far cry from basket ball and volley ball.. a sport like archery perhaps.. yeah... archery sounds great.

i'll leave you to awe at another unsigned talent:

and to turn into mush at the awesome guitar riffs of this song.. :)

beta beta beta!

2006-12-06T05:36:00.000+08:00

check it ooout i'm on blogger beta!

well, you cant really see it but i can. ^^ it looks like the old version, feels like it too, but it has a whole plethora (i love that term) of add-ons and new kick-ass service. i just signed up and i am still too lazy to learn all of them but i will as soon as i'm done with a couple of school work..

^^ can't wait to try video blogging.. lol

on school:

it's the intramurals.

i hate it.

not as much as i did last year but i still dont like it..

my events? XD volleyball (which i suck at terribly), basketball (i can't run to save my life) and scrabble (i'm not sure how to play it)

on family:

i never wanted to drive back to the city after staying with my grandma and nieces and having to work my ass off for four straight days..

it was fuuun! ^^

***

i want to pull all of my hair out... ~.~

of sticks and stones

2006-11-27T08:16:00.000+08:00

i've learned from the past somehow.. so i'm not going to say much...

support is given where it's due but loyalty will remain with just one person.

much luck to the both of you and the people who are "affected" by it. i sincerely hope you patch things out and carry on without grudges against each other.

much love~

***

on another note,

how hard is it to get over a writer's block?! bleah..

oh yeah.. CONGRATULATIONS to RAGDOLL RODEO for getting booked! :D so proud of you guys! too bad i missed your first performance at mayrick's. i'll try to watch you guys the next time. :P

3 1/2 hours ver. 2

2006-10-29T09:54:00.000+08:00

great... ugh!

since the first one got deleted because raffy acted up, i'm just going to fucking wing this..

went to metrowalk with chiki, ralph and erna to meet up with marie and ethel. at the jam wicked party thing we got introduced to ate cindy. since the crowd and the party wasnt really happening [sorry!] chiki and ern went around to look for a place we could stay in.

at the end we all ended up at decades... where i had a couple of drinks, a mai tai and a margarita. chiki and ralph had a couple of beers and a mai tai for chix. ern had dinner and some fruit juice i think and marie had something on the rocks. during the time we were drinking, ethel and ate cindy were outside waiting for chris cayzer's performance. hehehe. :P ethel's a fangirl! heehee.

come 11 in the evening, ethel and ate cindy still out of sight. we all ended up dancing. and danced we did till early this morning. :P when the place got too cramped ern and ralph went out to starbucks i think.. so it was just marie, chiki and myself left to dance. heehee.. thankfully, marie's friends, wilson and allison [both guys mind you], joined us for a couple of songs...

MUCH later that evening or was it early this morning? anyway, more than a couple of hours after we started dancing, ethel and ate cindy finally went back and joined us. by that time, our general area at decades became cramped.. so hello sweat and random body parts.. when it was just me and marie left dancing, that's when things started turning out. :P

marie pushed me towards this one guy i didnt notice was dancing behind me.. :P a couple more songs and we were dancing together.. and needless to say he was good... ^^ i think it was when i was just dancing with him and not him and marie that he initiated small talk and asked for my number. lol. it was insane! the speakers were amped up and we had to be pretty close to each other to hear what the other was saying..

so i gave him my number and whatnot and the next thing i know marie left me there with him. -.-;; but i still saw them seated where our bags were so i didnt worry. me and arnold [yep.. arnold] carried on with the dancing and when i looked to check, my bag was gone and marie and ethel were no where in sight! x.X arnold, noticing my worry, helped me find them. which we did outside of decades.. we talked some more and then we both had to go..

we rendezvoused at a table near starbucks. it was then confirmed that ralph has been awake for 24 hours and that i can be easilly influenced by friends... lol ^^

we headed our separate ways at around 4:30 in the morning and i got back to my house past five... mommy was all smiles and nice towards marie, ethel and ate cindy who took the same cab as me but once i got up, she started yapping. bleah. everything she said this morning just made me enjoy it even more.

so sorry mother dear but i'm already twenty! 20. count them and weep. i hate to be a bitch but there comes a point in your life that you have to fucking see that.

+snippits+

marie and myself while on the way to meet up with chix, ern and ralph @ starbucks

ralph and ern. i know it's fuzzy but dont you think these two fashionistas, who just met, compliment each other well fashion wise? :P

sorry! my cell's cam is just a vga cam. i would have taken more pictures if i could~ :P

let's do it again!

XD

all of a sudden i dont mind just having 3.5 hours worth of sleep. hmmm.. :P

second chair

2006-10-27T00:32:00.000+08:00

it hurts to hear you two speak

how is doing the bloody task for you "helping"?

when will i ever get over myself and not be bothered by you two?

lastly

let me go

[down the road, they say is the way to do it. but i'm a covard. i can only go across.]

that's not mine..

2006-10-23T22:07:00.000+08:00

hmm.. just had one of the most interesting phone calls ever.. :P duuude~ *i* can't believe you fell for that...

^^ laddida.. XD well.. sorry i lied.. but i just had to cut it short so i could catch america's next top model :P kisses~

gino!!! :P congratulations on getting the job and i'm extremely glad you're doing well. :D

ugh! fucking enrollment! i soo do not want to go through with it but stupid school came up with another bright idea to milk more money out of the students.. it's unfair. they'll be charging Php 200.00 a day after the last day of enrollment for those who will be enrolling late.. FUCKING TWISTED MUCH?!

bleah.. awesome move sister/s! i salute you for being smooth extortionists... god bless your pristine souls!

because life can be a total fucker sometimes..

2006-10-18T09:43:00.000+08:00

Provided By MetroLyrics

no one has sang this song for me..

but i'll sure as hell sing it for you..

a fast one

2006-10-17T08:20:00.000+08:00

it's funny how much a person can change in a relatively short amount of time.. hmm... i was amused with what i learned at the beginning.. i never thought he was capable of it.. it really was funny..

[i wish i could go into detail.. but i dont think that would be a good thing..]

what kind of put me off is the whole stature thing... rewind to hmm.. two or three years ago he wasn't as wrapped up with the whole thing and wouldnt outright say that he is of a higher status..

but like he said.. he has his reasons.. i dont necessarily hate it.. im just really surprised.. i know the person i got to know back then is still there... but why do i feel like i cant really hang out with him anymore?

tsk.. i'll have to bring it up to my shrink later on... heehee

[insert witty one-liner and/or some random picture here]

^^ 80% through hell week, the side effects of

2006-10-14T06:20:00.000+08:00

the cast: (from back left to right) yvette and marie;
(front left to right) myself, ate sharon and ethel

clockwise from top left :: marie, yvette, ethel, ate sharon and myself

they did say three time's the charm :P

me and ate sharon XD

umm... hmmm?

it's LORNA T.!!!

XD

the blowfish look is sooo not for me :P

:P

hard at work... NOT!!! :P /kiddin~

did you see that?!

jollibee's new spokesperson

was taken at a different place at a different time but i thought i'd show you guys ^^

have fun with the pics you guys~ ate sharon :: just click on them to get the full image. :P
special thanks to:Jollibee, bida ang sarap, for not bothering us while we camwhored at their store. :P

because i can

2006-10-10T22:31:00.000+08:00

Low Batt

2006-10-10T05:48:00.000+08:00

everything has crumbled and i can easily die now.

*rant*

we have no speaker for my theo5 finals. i am going to fail.

i havent studied a word for finals.

i havent answered my theo3 take home quiz.

i may not be able to pass my certificate and Ti/o sheet on the due date. again, i am going to fail.

/rant

i just shut down yesterday..

yep..

the future is bright.

hell fucking yeah!!!

2006-10-07T19:11:00.000+08:00

XD

to quote the awesome ethan of CTRL+ALT+DEL,

"I think my face is frozen in happiness."

well.. mine would be if my sister wasn't such a stuck up bitch.

-.-;;

so long crappy dial-up and hellooo~ lan/wifi/whatever it's called.

kit's busting arteries because her PC doesn't have a lan card that's why she can't use the new net connection that she applied for. now, raffy, being relatively high tech and cool, gets to use said connection. and here's what my sister has to say about it...

"wag mo muna akong pagdadamutan ng laptop."
//don't keep the laptop to yourself.//

=.=

okaaaaaaaaaaaay~

i got no problems with sharing.. especially since it's me and raffy who will be leeching on to the net connection she signed up for. note that it is my parents who will be paying for the bloody thing.

hmmm... she needs to learn to keep her trap shut and to learn to talk with respect and bitch less.

but who the hell am i kidding? even if the world ended right this very instant she'll never talk to me like i'm her older sister. i'm trying real hard not to care. i'm making sure she won't be playing more than an inch-sized role in my future.

bleah.

grr...

i wouldnt get so worked up if it was just me that she's throwing her trashy attitude at. but that's not the case. she's freaking on raffy for having "soo much crap installed" on him. fucking sorry i'm making use of raffy to benefit me and my interests to the fucking fullest!!!!!!

i've just given up on even wanting to go violent on her..

finals is next week. got mc103, lit1 and theo5 on tuesday, theo3 on wednesday and philo on friday. yay~

get well soon chiki and i seriously hope it's just fever that you have.

stomp

2006-09-16T11:27:00.000+08:00

got that dance thing over and done with yesterday.

ETHEL

MARIE

LIZETTE

RYAN

JEROME

POPO

thanks a whole bunch for your hard work and for letting me dance with you guys. it was the most tiring, painful and fun thing i have ever done!

LET'S DO IT AGAIN!

XD i made a couple of mistakes but it's all good..

chiki bunny, jack//alex and jay i'm so so so so so so sorry i fell asleep on you guys! :P *hugs*

+the aftermath+

unwinding.. from the top left to right kuya jerome, ate sharon;

kuya ryan, myself and chiki

back row from left: kuya gladdy, kuya juanito, chiki, myself and kuya jerome;
middle row: kuya ryan, ethel and ate sharon and adrian

XD that would be me, kuya jerome and ate sharon

me burning out at figaro

oh me of spazmic proportions :P

2006-09-09T08:44:00.000+08:00

yesterday started out quite well. spoke with chiki on the phone, watched some anime and that's when all my patience just simmered down to nothing.

i hate being rushed especially when there's no reason for me to. //annoying moment deleted//

got to school, changed out of my shirt and headed for jollibee to meet up with chiki and got to see erna too! heehee so after chiki and myself played good student, bad student on erna, we finally managed to drag her away from her three-hour theology class to gateway.

bought tickets for You, Me and Dupree. [really awesome movie, drop by my friendster profile to know what i think of it.] had burgers and fries for lunch. gawked at the guys playing drumania and went off to see the movie.

unbeknownst to us, there was a sizeable crowd forming outside the top floor of gateway. the reason? BATISTA was there. i ended up fangirling like i never fangirl-ed before. i called ralph and joel and i still couldnt get over myself. i saw shanta and tried to tell her why i was so excited but i STILL couldnt calm down. chiki, who was also excited but was more collected than i was, texted her brother to gloat. we borrowed erna's cam to take pics of him but being the total idiot that i am, couldnt cut it. chiki took a video though. thanks babe!

oh my good god! batista is sooooooooooo effing hot! wearing all white and ugh! damn.. @.@ i thought i was going to puke or pass out or do both! i was so not emotionally ready for that kind of onslaught.

*inhale... exhale..*

chiki and erna were kind enough to let me play a round of drumania to let off the energy and steam that i didnt need. long line, cute guy and then it was my turn. the guy who went after was kind enough to let me use his sticks and i had a ball! it's been months since i last went near a drumset let alone a drumania console, so my right arm just locked up as my first song neared its end. but there were too many people watching, chiki and erna were there too, so i soldiered on and got the following scores, A for monster tree; A for sadame; A for sobakasu and B for across the nightmare. all played in extreme mode, x 4.0 and 4.5 speeds. i need to brush up on what little drumming skills i have. :P

weee! got stickee pickies and while erna was cutting them up i went on a little dare from the bunny. went up to the cute guy and asked him if he was single. lol. it was a hoot, here's how it went:
me: umm.. excuse me?
cute guy: stops and stares at me
me: i was just wondering if you're with anyone right now?
cute guy: couldnt seem to hear me so he moves closer and leans towards me a bit
me: repeates the question
cute guy: oh you mean right now?
me: no, no. i mean if you have a girlfriend.
*we both pause and stare at each other.
cute guy: smiles like i just asked the cuttest question on the planet. [if idiots can pull off HALF the gentle and amused smile that the cute guy had, id be all over those half-wits] yeah, i have a girlfriend.
me: yeah? cool! thanks! i smile at him for being nice enough to entertain and answer my question.

and then i went back to HQ to report to the master bunny and the erniekin. :P

after THAT, we headed for starbucks, sat down and had an even more interesting evening. :)

much thanks to erna and chiki for the awesome, awesome day.
shoutout to clarence, miguel and that cute guy for being awesome sports! :P

SNAPSHOTS!

myself, erna and chiki after having lunch. :P

same crew, same place. gateway's foodcourt baby~

heehee, taken just before You, Me and Dupree started.

the bunny and me

haha! i should leave the pouting to the professionals. i look ridiculous. XD

who's coming to save you now?

2006-09-08T06:05:00.000+08:00

midterms are finally DONE!!!

hehehe.. a whole damn lot of snags and bumps before yesterday but i managed to get through those three days without collapsing in on myself.

//star//

never mind what happened wednesday. i decided to share those two answers. i must live with that. i guess he'll never know how sorry i am and i suppose he'll never know how scared i am now of him.

sir basir! i wish every school in this country has you in it! thanks for the worry and support. i know things will turn out.. not the way they want it to, but it will turn out. :) i can't wait.

a world falls apart everyday. why must you think that when yours crumble the world should stop and shower you with... pity is what you want yes?

//in your efforts to keep anyone you so desperately want by your side, you push them away//

i think you have agitated her enough.

is this a war? i dont know. always thought life was such.. but is this a declaration or are you just taunting me? we'll see.. i stand to lose nothing if pitted against you.

the nutcracker may be performed soon..

**YOU ME AND DUPREE!!!**

that thing you do

2006-09-04T21:59:00.000+08:00

there are a handfull of reasons why my brain's all over the place.

i waited for over an hour for a ride from sm north.
had to walk the rest of the way from where the fx stopped in fear of the flood and extreme traffic. //i never walked so damn fast in my life.//
havent studied for tomorrow.
havent started with the drafting stuff i was asked to work on.
my midterm permit is still not signed.
i got issues.
o.O

i am so not ready.. for midterm exams and everything else.

all time sugar low

2006-09-01T06:15:00.000+08:00

donn, i know i told you this last night but really, thank you.

joel, i dont tell you this often enough, thank you.

life and love are two different things but are alike in the sense that they never come easy and is usually too good to be true.

//i tear my heart open, i sew myself shut. and my weakness is that i care too much. and my scars remind me, that the past is real. i tear my heart open just to feel// [scars-papa roach]

for all the thinking i do and have done, my brain is incapable of coming up with an answer. lol. to wait or not to wait, THAT is the question.

//and i wont let myself be happy. i cut myself just to feel the pain. and i wont give up anything for you... i'm going down and noone can save me// [self inflicted-smile empty soul]

i am a bloody idiot. yeeep.. that's me. but thankfully, i've got joel who said no matter what i come up with he'd still be right there somewhere in the shadows with me. i hate this whole stuck thing. so i'll come up with a decision sooner or later. lawyers have more time to come up with closing statements to present to the jury in my head. not everyone is going to be happy with whatever i decide on.

and i stand to lose a lot.

a whole damn lot.

schist!

//love is insane, baby we are too. it's our hearts little grave and the salt in our wounds// [salt in our wounds-HIM]

what the hell are YOU playing at?!

2006-08-30T21:51:00.000+08:00

frustration is an annoyingly powerful thing. so instead of ranting about how awesome today was. how fun company chiki and jr were and how great the devil wears prada is, i am going to freaking vent about something that REFUSES to explain itself.

ano ba?! what the hell are you playing at?!

a thousand things run through my head as i try to figure you out but i just end up with nothing but a headache. what is it that you want from me?! wait for you till kingdom comes? and what is it with that timing of yours?

you never told me to wait. maybe i shouldnt. but the moment i look or even come close to having someone else, you're "there" all of a sudden. and the second i do have someone else you come freaking out on me or worse, yourself.

forget everything i said.

i'm just another damaged good and my system is probably fried.

go see the devil wears prada.

chiki :: had lots of fun. thanks. :) see you friday
jr :: i already told you what i think and well, it's now up to you how you're going to deal with things. you owe me dessert.