point blank

i feel like dying
suffocate or something
let me hold onto you

it's not just LSS. i think it's how i feel right now. strange. since i ought to not feel the darker colors, see the harsher tones and hear the resounding silence.

hold me closely
don't want to suffer
i want to live than to fade away

i'm trying to decide if salvation is something that i truly want. hell. i can't even decide if i want to stay. here. in the middle of everything and nothing.

i love my family
they're too far away to touch me
i want my brother to come for me

a brother. it would be nice i guess if i had someone like that to look up to. to hold onto. to rely on. to have someone who'll yell and hit me because he cares and not because he hates me and is embarrassed by me. i scoff at the memory. in public, whilst watching that stupid basketball game. i cheered for our time and got a smack at the back of the head for it.

don't want to turn away from you
don't want to waste my time just to bleed for you
i can't believe the shit you put me through
so cover me, don't cry for me
this fear in me is killing me

a paradox. i do not wish to but another is telling me to. and that another is in me. only an idiot would cry for the likes of me. but it is a nice thought. ah fear. it consumes me. it burns and somehow reminds me that i'm alive and yet it makes me feel empty and insignificantly useless.

why?!
why don't you put it in your head
that i don't wanna die, don't wanna die for nothing

no. but i would welcome shinigami if it means the voices stop and i would no longer feel your seething mocking eyes on me.

lost my feelin' inside of me i'm bleedin'
i see the devil on your face
come separate me, be the one to take me
to a place where now I can see

i don't think i want you to.. alteast not anymore. must i lose my soul to you as well?

the other half sings another song though...

Hiding here, Hoping this will finally give me peace
Pretty please
Readying, practicing the damage on my cheek

I'm not about to crumble
I'm not about to cave
I'm not about to paint you a picture
So you'll see me
So You'll Hear Me

surrender... i'm afraid i don't do it too well.