hmmm...

i want to go back to my writing...
i want to give birth to poems...
i want to open the gates to what i feel...
i want to let loose my real self in words...

sooner or later i'll find something to break me out of my ice prison...

on another score...

every country finds itself in a tight situation every once in awhile... but i dont think the philippines can fall under that anymore... every passing day i watch the news only to be sickened with the evident bad shit that's being constantly fed to the citizens of this surely dying country...

how many people have given this speech?
how many people have been elected to purge this country of its parasites?
how many people have suffered due to grief, poverty and greed?
how many people must die like animals while the country is in a state of chains and weights?

how much of the future are we going to crush with our half hearted attempts to save ourselves?
how much of the future are we going to rob of hope and a good life?
how much of the future are we going to wound and weaken with the burden they surely do not deserve?
how much of the future are we willing to sacrifice just to give in to what we want now?

there are just some of the nagging questions running through my mind right now... the 2004 presidential elections are coming... it's actually just around the corner... the media will be once more filled with hollow promises, allegations, lies and scandals...

how are the citizens to choose?
who are the citizens to choose?

are they going to vote for the economist? are they going to vote for the movie star? are they going to vote for the character assasinator? are they going to vote for the educator? are they going to vote for the preacher?

so many people promising to make this country alive again... so many people promising to give back what was stolen from us... so many people confusing the already confused and gullible citizens of this country...

so how many filipinos are going to be blinded with money, fame, misled loyalty and promises? just how many?

all of this is part of the sick cycle that has eaten the country and her inhabitants a long time ago...

is there still hope?

i can't say...

should i be optimistic about things?

i can't really say... the whole thing weakens me...

what is there for me to say?

sorry... i want to say sorry to the future children of this land who's lives are already trashed... i want to say sorry for the future children's children for giving them no reason to hope for a decent life here in this once peaceful country... i want to say sorry for the future generations for being so helpless in those times when the people in power took everything that is rightfully theirs...

but sorry is not enough... sorry is never enough...

the only thing i can do is write this essay... to speak what is on my mind and have people read, understand and internalize each word...

think people think!!! think not of yourselves... think not of the present...

LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE AND THINK OF THE FUTURE...

and when one finally finds his balance... he has finally found his happiness... his contentment... and his reason to fully live his life and appreciate everything about it...

dale went through alot to be where he is now... under a good cloud...

i guess hope is never out of the question when one is at rock bottom...

i guess faith is never a joke when you feel like you've lost everything...

if you fee like ignoring the future... go ahead... just make sure you live each moment of the present to the fullest... maybe that way, you'll find your balance... and everything you felt was lacking in your life...

...surprisingly so... my morning started out fine...

Seith Angel, Dale's third persona, made his introduction to me just minutes ago...

the instant he greeted me, i knew he was neither dale nor hollywood... but i'm getting ahead of myself here... let me tell you their story... atleast what i saw of it and what they shared with me...

i must have met hollywood first, i'm not quite sure... we met at poet's haven the chatroom extension of Word4Word, a msn group to which me and hollywood belong to...

we decided on making ourselves one of the msn contacts of the other... and so our friendship begins...

the changes in the manner dale would chat with me werent really subtle... he later told me that he has two personas... dale and hollywood...

dale the student, the meek, mild and shy friend... the one who is sometimes taken advantage of... the one who constantly hurts... and hollywood_dreams or otherwise known as hollywood... the musician... the vocalist... the one that is embraced by the crowd... the one who craves for its attention...

anyway... i dont quite have a number of how long or how often we lock ourselves in conversations in just about anything we could think of... but if i'm to tell you one thing that i got out if it is that... dale and hollywood both did me good... they both helped me out of my suicidal states... they both listened to me when no one would.... and they both didnt break when i shared what was on my mind...

anyway...

i've grown accustomed to dale and hollywood's exchanges... i've learned to distinguish one from the other... and i've grown to love both of them from the pits of my confused and complicated cold and dark heart... and i wasn't really ashamed of telling both of them that...

recently though, dale has been experiencing multiple attacks to the mind and the heart by the people he cared for and respected... the situation was so grave that hollywood was forced to work things around for three whole days...

dale never told me much about what was bothering him... he would start to open up to me on his own accord... but then again... he would suddenly withdrew as if i burnt him... i told him he was running and he agreed...

in those three days of dale's abscence hollywood tried his best to brief me about what happened... he told me things i dare not mention in this entry for it is dale's personal life afterall...

the following day... dale has already snapped back from his sleep and asked me what he missed... to me, he seemed more tired than ever...

i think that was the last conversation i had with either of those two... i think that happened sometime last week...

and today i decided to log on... and to my surprise... the person who said hello to me wasnt dale but he wasnt hollywood either... but i just shook it off and thought it was just dale in under a dark cloud... but i felt uncomfortable at what he said to me...

"i've started telling the truth and showing the real me a obsessive dick with too much baggage and recapturing the great moment of self destruction and i've also got help in doing this returing me to the true poet i am"

for a moment my mind reeled into a total stop and cursed... i asked him who he was and told me, "i know not who i am but i know what i'm doing saving my self from the impossed blindness"

i asked for dale and hollywood and he told me hollywood was asleep and that he was dale only he has a goal in mind now... but i pressed on the issue and asked him again for who he was...

"lol i am what happens when all hope is lost and a broken child is born know not who i am but know i am dale may not be myself at the moment i'm like the closest thing to the anti hollywood densei what ever you call it but i do feel dales pain and i do know of his fears and downfalls." that's what he said when i presented to him that he knows the he is not one of the two people i have grown used to...

after which he asked me if dale ever tell me he was three people, the actor, the poet and they musician... i told him dale didnt, but i did gather as much...

even up to this point he didnt tell me what his name was... so i told him that he was the broken angel... the wounded child...

as if to give me a proof of his individuality, he gave me a copy of his poem... a three-page work of magnificence and pure emotion...

that's when we started to talk about things connected to dale... to his happiness and to his pain...

but i think it was at this time when shaun, dale's "friend" went online and gave me his little warning:

Shaun ("Shut your mouth, or i'll show you a good use of masking tape" - Dale to myself) says:
hello a word of warning
scarlet_bliss says:
ah...
Shaun ("Shut your mouth, or i'll show you a good use of masking tape" - Dale to myself) says:
there something go on with dale he's becoming a different person almost the same person i once was
scarlet_bliss says:
...i know that much...
scarlet_bliss says:
i'm not perpetually dense and stupid you know...
scarlet_bliss says:
and what is it to you?
scarlet_bliss says:
why are you telling me these things?
scarlet_bliss says:
we never had a friendship to begin with...
scarlet_bliss says:
do you seriously want me to believe you're doing this to "warn" me coz you care?
Shaun ("Shut your mouth, or i'll show you a good use of masking tape" - Dale to myself) says:
hwy i'm helping you he's been saying alot of bad shit at the moment
scarlet_bliss says:
we are two different persons shaun...
scarlet_bliss says:
and i could honestly say, and i mean this not in an arrogant way, that i know dale and hollywood more than you do
scarlet_bliss says:
or dale in general
Shaun ("Shut your mouth, or i'll show you a good use of masking tape" - Dale to myself) says:
all i want is someone to talk sense in to him, he knocked on my door told me to shut my mouth or he will shut it spat down in front of me and then walked off and had a strange kiss with some girl i think she's messing with him
scarlet_bliss says:
which girl are you referring to
Shaun ("Shut your mouth, or i'll show you a good use of masking tape" - Dale to myself) says:
no idea some gothic girl
scarlet_bliss says:
i see...
scarlet_bliss says:
but you know...
scarlet_bliss says:
i never did like what you did to dale...
scarlet_bliss says:
i would have also told you to shut up if i knew i had the right...
Shaun ("Shut your mouth, or i'll show you a good use of masking tape" - Dale to myself) says:
hey i'm sorry but i was an idoit but the guy needs help know i dont care if he hates me it's him not me this is about
scarlet_bliss says:
but it hurts doesnt it?
scarlet_bliss says:
you have an inkling of how much damage you've done on dale...
scarlet_bliss says:
and this is the result
Shaun ("Shut your mouth, or i'll show you a good use of masking tape" - Dale to myself) says:
i know sorry
scarlet_bliss says:
no you're not

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
no you're not

***sigh***

the whole conversation with shaun struck a nerve inside me... i can't possibly tell you what transpired between shaun and dale for that is one unpleasant story that brought dale pain and crap he didnt really need from what he believes to be his friend...

anyway... i was debating on wether or not i should tell seith about this... but he already shared that he was the one who told dale's enemies to leave...

i told him i was aware of it thanks to shaun's warning... that i was grateful for not being able to know how to be angry... or else i would have gone over and slit shaun's throat...

*dear reader/s... you have no idea how pretentious and pathetic i saw shaun's conversation was... he never really did message me much after the first few times that we did...*

and seith gave me the most unexpected reply, "lol hey human life is worth something hollywood would disembowel him giving the chance but he's human they make mistakes but the memories are to hard for dale, thats why he must leave dale"

the shaun thing carried out for a moment... when i found him asking me if i wanted to talk to dale... that he could go and wake him up for me...

i told him not to go yet... atleast... not without telling me his name...

he told me to call him...

Seith Angel

i thought it was such a fitting name for him... and told him, "it suites you... and i must admit... it made my melancholic heart smile..."

and then he excused himself for he was tired... asked me to wait for two minutes and dale would take his place...

and sure enough... dale found himself infront of the computer... asked me about that happened... and i told him i met Seith Angel, his third person... he said he liked the name... and that he was tired, much to his surprise... he also mentioned something about why he had pink lipstick on his cheek but i guess he was too tired to wait for my explanation for that one... i sent him the conversation that transpired between me and shaun and left him to sleep...

i'm happy because... dale resonated this happy aura in his words... he didnt sound so depressed...

he finally found his balance...

and i'm happy for him...

i seriously think this will actually work for him...

and if it doesnt... well... he's got more people to back him up... he doesnt really have a reason to feel alone and empty anymore...

i'm happy for you dale, hollywood_dreams and seith angel...

and i love all three of you...

i've been granted with a new perspective of how greeks go about their religion...

"---through a concrete gift that they gave, they expected a concrete return in the form of good weather for their crops; freedom from natural disasters; or success in war, athletic competition, or even love. This view reflected the purely external nature of the Greek's relation with his gods and the sanctity of his mind from teh prying eyes of the gods. Zues could watch him act, but he could not watch him think. Since the Greek felt no spiritual contact with this gods, he had no sense of sin, an abstract and spiritual concept. Instead he had a severe notion of crime, which is a concrete adn external act. Hence the Greek lacked the Christian conception of conscience, which is founded upon a sense of sin." ~ an excerpt from my english book which is The DEVELOPMENT of WESTERN THOUGHT Vol. 1; compiled and edited by the committee on the humanities...

this didnt exactly surprise me... but... the impact of such a way of thinking and living was unexpected...

so when one doesnt feel connected to his or her god... then that person has no conscience... but he does things by the book...

is this what is needed now by everyone?

i wonder...

is this way of thinking beneficiary?

...happy birthday arred...

...secrets...

everyone is entitled to have them right?

having secrets in itself is not exactly a bad thing... atleast that is how i see it... but then again...

a person's manner of keeping those secrets intact may cause harm and trouble...

how far should one go to keep his or her secret?

should we all go through the trouble of weaving thousands of lies to those we love and trust us in order to keep those secrets... secret?

is it really worth it?

is it actually beneficiary?

if i was to add up all that i lost and gained through the process of keeping those secrets silent... will i be satisfied in the end?

or will it turn my very core into a big blackhole of nothingness?

sure enough, just like everything else, keeping and having secrets about ones self comes with a price...

my sociology professor agreed with me when i said... "people tend to neglect the gravity of things untill the very last moment..."

...ever felt how it's like to experience to be the recipient of that first hand?...

i should also mention that aside from people's tendency to neglect things of utmost importance... people can also be insanely single-minded and so focused on themselves...

in addition to that...

there are those who are insanely close to you... this may be in the physical and emotional sense... who just hurt you... without even trying...

now how would my sociology professor brand those kind of people?

are they the so-called parasites of the social institution that we should rid ourselves of? are they of those we should hate? are they of those without hope? are they of those of no retribution?

... let me tell you...

i live close to one of those unnamed species...

my cousin described **it** as an arrogant and single-minded prima donna... *sigh* i've been insanely patient with it all these years... i've learned to not retaliate when she attacks, verbally, mentally and physically...

but then again... with that as one of the reasons why i'm so unstable...

my hold on my self-control tends to be dull and faulty as time flies...

nowadays, it seems, that it is harder to hold on to my control... to hold on to my calm in order to not kill *it*... in order to keep what's left of the peace in where i am right now intact...

which brings me to...

how human it is to need other people... or atleast need something or someone to hold on to when you start to loose yourself... no man is an island afterall... that's what my sociology professor said...

but then again... if that is so... then why are people sometimes stuck with soul-bashing monsters? humans of that variety are hardly anything that another person needs to not be an island...

but then again... there is a funny twisted fact about this household monster that i live with... it sees me along with the other occupants of this house as its ANTAGONIST...

it is quite unbelivable, ironic and paradoxical... we see it as a wretched, havoc-bringing, peace-disturbing, disrespectful, arrogant, so-full-of-itself piece of something even the devil would hate... and it sees as something that only brings it nothing but pain, sorrow and more pain...

i wish death to fall upon myself instead of death takit it away...

a means of escaping the clutchess of the monster? maybe...

but i also see it as giving it its much desired... "freedom"... let it wreack havoc on the lives that surrounds it... it placed itself up soooooooo high on that pedestal of worth that when the moment comes for the wind to pick up... for the humbling of humans to take place... it is going to fall hard... and fast...

and it will be found on the ground... broken... in tears... and hurting...

i just hope that it will learn EVERYTHING that it should...

but then again...

that is quite against the magnimous odds... i dont think it will change that easily... since its been like that since it sprung out with its first breath of life...

... http://www.emmadavies.net/vampire/default.asp ...

it's a quiz i was obliged to take...

Your Vampire Name

+++i used the name scarlet bliss for this one...+++


The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity:

Selene du Coudray

Known in some parts of the world as:

Venus of Bats and Shadows

The Great Archives Record:

Slipping amongst the shadows, flitting between dark places, always quiet


+++...then i used kagekami toriie... if you can make hollywood kill me then i might tell you what this name means and what it is about...+++


The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity:

Rani of Flesh

Known in some parts of the world as:

Artemis of Bulgaria

The Great Archives Record:

A flame which never dies, but brightens with the passing of time.


+++then i just had to try my real name... it gave me this...+++


The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity:

Ella Pope

Known in some parts of the world as:

Seductress of The Steely Moon

The Great Archives Record:

A child of the Moon Goddess - Cold, determined, but of the light in the night


it's not so bad...

you should try it.... later... when you have the time.... and enough reason if you need reason for everything... my reason for this? boredom and obligation...

...it's a wonder how humans tend to put themselves from their humble origins to a high pedestal due to a very miniscule occurance in their lives...

it's the truth...

there are alot of people who think they are all that after, let's say, they got kissed by some rock star...

pathetic isn't it?

but then again... that is human nature...

not that i am excluding myself from the herd... though i seriously wish i could since i honestly don't feel like i belong anyway... it's simply an observation i've seen and experienced within myself aswell...

...so after the "life-changing experience" has passed... that person or people boost themselves way up there to the stars suddenly having the foolish idea that they are superior over all those unfortunates who didn't get "blessed."

needless to say... we need a force... a gentle and anonymous force or power if you will that will oversee and act upon human pride... it will watch and remain quiet untill such time that it needs to act... once a human kicks himself up higher than he or she should... this force will work to humble those people...

but all that is just wishfull thinking isn't it?

that will never happen...

what kind of divinity will bring upon such power over humans?

will it actually work? we are all gifted with free-will afterall...

but it's also true...

there are alot of people, including myself, who needs to be humbled when in those moments of unforgivable pride...

what do you think will happen after the prelude to the unknown?
i should work on a poem with that as a title...

is there a point in taking all these quizzes?

none... i guess i just want to see how things would turn out...

if you don't like it....

i'm sorry... i simply do not care...




What Forest Creature Are You?




What Anime Stereotype Are You?




What Anime Mech Are You?




What Anime Art Style Are You?




What .hack//SIGN Character Are You?

What Outlaw Star Character Are You?




What NERV Child Are You?




What Magical Girl Are You?




What Gundam Wing Character Are You?

...marco's back...

on normal cases... i would have been happy and smiling about the news...

but then again...

never mind...

seriously,

i'm glad he's not injured and is, in general, well...

wait till the bastard tries that stunt again...

What Shoujo Mascot Are You?

it's amazing how internet quizzes can seem so right... and be so wrong...



What Shirow Girl Are You?

What Anime Vampire Are You?

it suits me dont you think so?

get the quiz here -=QUIZ=-