still sick

ugh. why?! why am i *still* sick? why am i even sick in the first place?

damn it. i've had this fever for three days now. muscle, skin and joint pain seems to be the popular freebies...

shit.

muumuu, thanks for visiting me yesterday.

i want to get better now na!!!

x.x thank goodness for monkey_cakes, our wireless network, and pii-chan for letting me curb my boredom.

x.x sana hindi ako maospital...

meh.

and it only took 3 seconds.

it's unbelievable how fucking nice it feels to be abruptly woken up with, wait for it, a fucking SCREAM at almost THREE, 3, in the fucking morning.

only because someone can't find their fucking glasses?

really great!!!

apparently, screaming your head off in the middle of the night, while everyone is asleep, is a sure fire way to find the shit you misplaced.

so remember folks, when looking for something, don't use your eyes... instead, scream your inconsiderate head off.

this is a public service announcement from a resident of the torrefiel house.

shit.

---

oh and for the record, just so we're clear, this is called sarcasm.

i put up links on the big words too. just so your brain won't spontaneously combust. now, this act of going out of my way of convenience to make it easier for other people, is called consideration.

winded.

i think i'm going crazy...

erk. alright. it's nothing new but this is a whole new type of crazy for me.

ever since yesterday's taytay trip i've been wanting to go to places where there's grass and trees and cats littered about.

it just feels strange not being able to feel small next to a tree that's taller than sct's buildings. being surrounded by houses, cars and streets glowing bright with the sun's glare feels a bit cold.

don't get me wrong, i love being in the city. i like the convenience and the technology i get to enjoy here in manila but all of that is not enough to quell the want i'm feeling to be face to face with nature.

as i write this entry, i'm starting to realize why i had so much fun taking pictures of the trees and shrubbery of siena college taytay. even if the sun was hot and a tad uncomfortable, even if it was humid and dry... i enjoyed being surrounded by life.

sure, the city's bustling with it too. manila is practicaly humming with life. but it's not the same feeling i got while i was looking for things to take pictures of.

it's not the same probably because the quality of life is different. the trees over at sct were old, tall, persistent and warm. they give off a sense of comfort and ease that no pharmaceutical can reproduce.

it was also humbling, being reminded that my exitence is practically non-existent next to the rest of the universe. it was also fulfilling to realize that i am that small, that my life is quite short.

to know all of that is not depressing at all. if anything, standing in the middle of the grounds, surrounded by towering trees, the gentle grass, the quiet shrubs and the warm stones, made me feel like i belong.

that i am a part of this world despite what a handful of people may think, say or feel.

^^ nakakatuwa.

i wonder if there are any places in the metro that has lots of trees, grass, earth and sun. i wonder if i can take get there and be allowed to take memories with arc so i'll never forget that i am part of a bigger picture... that we all make up a little piece of it.

when the shit hit the fan, the aftermath

Here I am once again, standing, looking, contemplating on the half truths, whole lies and facts before me.

Once again, I find myself betrayed, cheated and lied to by the humanity I’m supposed to be a part of.

Once more, I find myself losing faith and confidence in the people, the acquaintances that surround me.

Now, I have more reason to believe, to know that nothing is as it seems. That people will lie through their teeth. That people will delude themselves into thinking that they aren’t wrong when the opposite is as burning as an imploding celestial body.

Where is the justice in all of this? Has this series of not quite unfortunate but somehow unbelievable events done any good to anyone? Am I supposed to find a lesson, a moral, an idea or a thought in this?

The truth?

I am more lost than ever. We all stood up to fight for what we all thought was right. Yet, just like in every battle waged in the days of old, casualties are accounted for. The casualties being everyone closely involved and anyone who was remotely related to everyone else.

Do I think what I did was right? Do I believe I wasn’t in the wrong?

Yes.

But I implore that I be asked of my feelings on the outcome, on how I feel about reaching a half victory in this war.

Even if someone cared to ask, I fear that this very second, I may not have a clear-cut answer.

The factors, the variables that came and come into play are massive, seemingly random yet controlled, probable but taxing to predict.

I know that the stand I took was right. I believed in it and I acted on it. But somehow, it made me feel empty and distantly unsettled. Is this the price of putting yourself out there for what you believe in?

Human nature never fails to put my cognitive capabilities to the test.

But logic and rational thought is greater than raw emotions. Logic dictates that everybody ought to lie in the beds that they made. I know for a fact that nothing was done with malice on my part and I’m good with that.

I’ve taken what I can from this experience. I’ve learned from my mistakes. If other people fail to play nice simply because they can’t be nice or if they just can’t seem to get their minds wrapped around professionalism, maturity and civility well then, too bad, so sad.

of high blood pressure and aching legs

time check! it's 10:48PM. yup as in, 10 in the evening folks.

just got back from siena's year-long celebration of its jubilee.. yes, yes... bloody thing dragged on from 7am till 10 in the effing evening.

fun.

not.

what got me was that... at the end of the program, the only college students there who weren't taking up BSERE and who performed were me and aldrich.

SERIOUSLY!

ever tried covering an event in a "gym"/"hall" that also doubles as a freaking oven because of the lack of ventilation and AC units for FOUR hours? ever had to use two cameras, a sony R1 and a sony cybershot dsc-w55 at the same time? ever had to stand and run about and sweat like a pig during said 4 hours?

ever had people who belittle the work and effort you had to put in something? ever had people tell you, "madali lang yan!" when in fact they have no clue as to what you had to do to get shit done?

what exactly am i getting at?

oh yeah...

i'm tired. stressed out. still sick and having problems breathing. i got rained on. slapped by the dean sa arm (sure it didn't really hurt but we are NOT close. and you do NOT slap people who are soooo tired, they're in zombie mode). i feel like an idiot for choosing to stay so i can do my job. well shit...

covering the bloody event, or ANY event for the matter, and playing photographer is NOT my job.

i feel like a total dunce, jackass, idiot, half-wit, lahat na! for staying... specially after i get told that people over at the college don't think i'm the editor-in-chief of the red lily... they think the EIC is aldrich, my news editor. they think that the dominating number of by-lines make you the EIC...

fuck that.

makes me want to cry...

they have no idea....

things like these make me hate the publication. make me regret being the EIC. make me think i'm an idiot for suffering sleepless nights laying out the paper, editing photos, being the target of our adviser's tyrades, sacrificing classes to get the damned thing done, staying on the phone for what seems like an eternity relaying corrections to the printing people...

for the record, it's not that i do not write. for two issues, i have cut my opinion collumn to make way for other people. i don't write news articles on events because i'm too busy collating every single article, making sure they're corrected and not plagiarized, figuring out what gets printed, finding the right photos for said articles and working on NOT failing in any of my subjects...

if you all think you can do a better job..
if you think the work i do is easy...
if you're bloody willing to get shot down at every turn...
if you want to work with a couple of plagiarizers and wannabees who can't effing write for peanuts...

i am BEGGING you to come up to me or our adviser and declare that you'll be a more competent, effective and substantial EIC.

===============

since i'm on a roll... might as well take this opportunity to say: the nosebleed joke is getting old people. is the bloody joke really something i have to live with just because i prefer to speak, write and think in english?

damn it. ayos lang rin naman sana kung minsanan eh at saka kung kaibigan mo lang yung gumaganon sa iyo. kaso, nakakabanas kasi talaga kung maya't maya ginaganon ka. nagseseryoso ka, may importanteng bagay kang gustong ipahayag, sasabihan ka ng "teka! nosebleed!"

huwag na lang kaya akong magsalita? tigilan ko na rin kaya ang pagiisip? sayang naman kasi yung galon-galon na dugo na umaagos ika ninyo sa inyong mga ilong. marunong rin naman akong magmalasakit. paki wari ko naman ay madali akong mapakiusapan.

oh, heto. para sa ikabubuti ng lahat. para sa bawat patak ng dugo na nagawa kong panalaytayin mula sa inyong mga ugat patungo at palabas ng inyong mga ilong, titigilan ko na. mananagalog na lamang ako.

kaso, baka naman pati ang pananagalog ko'y hindi ninyo magustuhan? hindi kasi ako marunong magsalit ng filipino... tagalog ang alam ko dahil sa sa nasugbu, batangas ako natutong managalog. pag nananagalog ako, may punto kadalasan. nasugbu, batangas ba naman.

sa pagkakataong, hindi pa rin tayo magkaintindihan dahil sa mga kadahilanang aking nabanggit, ano ang tingin ninyong nararapat kong gawin?

mahirap pumwesto sa lugar na ayaw naman sa yo.

sumisid na lang kaya ako? baka sakaling magkaintindihan kami ng aking paboritong tilapia at bangus.