DabbleDoodle

to be continued~ ^^,

Friday, February 27, 2004

..."blood can be washed away from the hands of humans... and yet they bleed to live..."

watched gensoumaden saiyuki last night... and that's what i got... well i dont think it's a direct quotation anymore but still...

anyway...

blood, just like in the play macbeth, stains one's hand when he commits murder... it's probably true for those who killed someone but what about the average person...? is this quote still applicable to them?

is it applicable to me?

the blood that stains one's hand isnt necessarily brought about by murder... that stain can be brought about by other things... things that go through one's mind...

i feel i've stained my hands with blood... not real human blood, i havent killed anyone in the physical sense... but i have killed others mentally and emotionally... crushed they're personalities in order to protect my own... planted seeds of doubt to prove to myself that i'm wrong about them... impaired them to satisfy the questions that run through my mind like a two year old child running the place down...

but do people really go about their lives with these actions intented for others to keep the cycle of life going? balanced?

if what i did stained my hands with blood... then i can wash it away... but it is essential for things like these to happen to me in order to live more fully! in order to learn more and drive further than i ever have...

this realization brings me to something my father sent me...

"i wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun..."

Thursday, February 26, 2004

i'm currently in a conversation with this guy who has the nick daft-bat...

i picked him up at this irc channel... :) he was nice and answered my question nicely... and that's when the conversation started...

recalling, i cant really remember how the train of thought went but we talked about stuff that made sense...

he told me that he's with this girl right now who isnt exactly... umm... let's just say she doesnt have a good reputation... that she lies to him a lot and he knows it... it's not a secret to his friends and they constantly ask him why he keeps his relationship with that girl...

here's a bit of our conversation:

[07:47] DaFT-BaT: and i do think i understand her somewhat so i'm willing to give her the benefit of my doubt
[07:47] scarlet_bliss: good for her
[07:47] scarlet_bliss: :)
[07:47] DaFT-BaT: or wait...
[07:47] DaFT-BaT: until i get the truth finally :)
[07:48] scarlet_bliss: that's good for you
[07:49] DaFT-BaT: we'll see about that... this may be the stupidest thing i've ever done.. and i have a lot to top :)
[07:49] scarlet_bliss: you also have alot to back you up
[07:49] scarlet_bliss: keep it cool
[07:49] scarlet_bliss: intact and real
[07:49] scarlet_bliss: :)
[07:49] scarlet_bliss: that's about the best thing my mind can share with ya
[07:49] scarlet_bliss: :)
[07:49] DaFT-BaT: that's the problem with irc though..
[07:49] scarlet_bliss: ?
[07:50] DaFT-BaT: so much is not real... hard always to tell which is and which is not
[07:50] scarlet_bliss: but life is also like that isnt it?
[07:50] scarlet_bliss: there are so many lies and half truths out there
[07:50] scarlet_bliss: and people sometimes prefer the lies over the truths
[07:51] scarlet_bliss: that's why there are so many lies
[07:51] DaFT-BaT: which is exactly the point i do make to others here
[07:51] scarlet_bliss: :)

interesting conversation isnt it?

:)

i guess i'll cut myself off now...

thanks for the net space!!!

ciao

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

hmmm... what's wrong with telling people that you want to talk about death instead of talking about something else? the people i chat with would ask me what topic i would like to discuss with them and when i answer death they're like,

"why death?"

and why the hell not talk about death?

it's a relatively wonderful topic...

i prefer death over the usual topics because:
1. politics is overrated... especially the politics in the philippines. it's so damn pathetic it's not worth it anymore...
2. love... now love is such a sophomoric thing to talk about... it's usually mushy... so nobody talks about it to strangers...
3. science and history... it could be fun... but who reads about science and history? people start to doze off if i try to talk about egypt...
4. literature and books... i think that's self explanatory...?
5. sex!!! good god... i hate talking about sex when the people i converse with would start to become perverted and worked up over it... it's not exactly pleasant...

so i nominate death for the best topic award because:
1. nobody really talks about it... so it's something new
2. since it's unchartered territory no one can really say that your opinion on death is wrong!
3. it's a highly debatable topic
4. the possibilities are endless about the life after death thing...
5. the number of ways for a person to die is endless AND somewhat comical at the same time...

****

Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave. Our birth is nothing but our death begun.
--Bishop Hall

isnt that simply the truth? simply put, we were all born to die... it's a never ending cycle... it's amazing really... what's the purpose to it?

i dunno where i got this but... the issue of life and death is of no relevance... what you make and do while you're in between is what most important...

*shrugs*

here's another quotation

Nothing makes a man more aware of his capabilities and of his limitations than those moments when he must push aside all the familiar defenses of ego and vanity, and accept reality by staring, with the fear that is normal to a man in combat, into the face of Death.
--Major Robert S. Johnson, USAAF

so it really comes to one thing... death...

isnt the world along with it's mysteries, rules and values a walking contradiction?

and so i end this entry with this last quote:

Death? Why this fuss about death? Use your imagination, try to visualize a world without death! . . . Death is the essential condition of life, not an evil.

--Charlotte Perkins Gilman

thanks for the net space!!!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

...*groans*...

i feel like crap... woke up and got out of the bed and the blood rushed to my head and it felt awfull...

had heo revamp the pc... i got demoted to windows me... takes awhile of getting used to i guess... but it's better than having a disfunctional pc right?

all my files, thank god, are still intact!!! yeah!

this is hell and damnation...

will the death of solitude become a reality for me?

will the invitation be heard?

dale saw through the poem... :) i shouldnt have expected less... i shouldnt have taken him for a fool that he isnt... i guess i underestimated him a bit when i showed him the poem... and he told me it was good and that it felt like a cry for something...

i guess it impressed me to have someone see in between the lines, to know the real message of the piece... but i guess it also freaked me out because he really knew what i was trying to say in the poem...

i never had someone see me that close or that detailed before...

but it's dale... so it should be okay...

i guess that would be it for now...

can't think of anything else to say...

ciao




Monday, February 23, 2004

damn! it's been 6? days since my last post...

what is there to say???

i'm in deep shit about the debut thing... hell... i know i should be grateful that my folks are actually gonna spend on me just coz it's my debut... but hell... dresses and stuff like that arent exactly what i prefer...

yesterday, i bought this baby blue halter dress... somewhat backless and i dont exactly care anymore if i look like an oversized pillow wearing a semi body hugging dress... *huff*

oh yeah... my mother allowed me to purchase 2 pairs of killer comfort pants!!! really nice and comfy... found myself new best buddies... :P hmmm... speaking of best buddies... i also bought myself a black collar when i was with thea the other day... wore it while i was in the mall with her... and boy did i get looked at!!! :P it was fun... wish i could find a pendant to clip unto the collar so it would look like a slave's collar... :P

what is it with me and my s/m familiarity?

anywaaaaaaaay...

added a new link to my bloggie... if anyone cares!!! it's dale's blog. you guys should just take a moment to click on the link and read his posts... it's a newbie's bloggie but it's as informative as heaven can be... :)

:P wrote another poem recently and i called it death of solitude... but i was also thinking of changing the title to an invitation to the death of solitude...

anyway...

that would be it for this morning...

don't forget to check out dale's blog okay? the link is on the right hand side of my blog...

later!!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

here's something to make you think...

"Heartache Every Moment"
by: HIM

From lashes to ashes
And from lust to dust
In your sweetest torment
I'm lost
And no heaven can help us
Ready, willing and able
To lose it all
For a kiss so fatal
And so worn

Oh it's heartache every moment
From the start 'til the end
It's heartache every moment
With you
Deeper into our heavenly suffering
Our fragile souls are falling
It's heartache every moment
Baby with you

And we sense the danger
But don't wanna give up
'Cause there's no smile of an angel
Without the wrath of god

Oh it's heartache every moment
From the start 'til the end
It's heartache every moment
With you
Deeper into our heavenly suffering
Our fragile souls are falling
It's heartache every moment
Baby with you
My darling with you

From lashes to ashes
And from lust to dust
In your sweetest torment
I am lost
And we sense the danger
But don't wanna give up

Oh it's heartache every moment
From the start 'til the end
It's heartache every moment
With you
Deeper into our heavenly suffering
Our fragile souls are falling
It's heartache every moment with you
That's right


[ http://www.azlyrics.com/ ]

Monday, February 16, 2004

shit...

this is going to be one pathetic post

queen 4hdbee is highly undigestible... i hate her...

i honestly hate her for all she's worth...

dropped me a ring... acted all nice and shit... then gave me orders... talked like i'm stupid and shit like that... blaah... i got worked up... put some of it out on the goddess of darkness... then, when i finally managed to be online... i put 90% of it on southassjerk... then i regreteably put some of it on dale... who wasnt exactly fairing well either...

*sigh*

i hate having to feel anger and not being able to purge it at once...

i feel so helpless and miserable everytime that happens...

damn...

hell and freaking damnation...

anyway... i'll just let it pass and give lestat a call...

i think that would be more productive...

ciao


Sunday, February 15, 2004

okaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

talking with dale, who's currently the fusion of dale and hollywood and some of seith angel, kicked some fucking truths in my sorry little head...

daaaaaamn!!!

can't let my guard down again...

no more posts like the one before this... thank god! or whatever force you think i should be thanking...

oh yeah...

give me a moment to say this...

VALENTINE'S DAY SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

and that's not because i have no valentine... i actually couldnt care less... but the real reasons behind that umm... remark are the following:

1. all the reds that people wore yesterday burnt my eyes...
2. all of those helium balloons being given away will just create a hole in the atmosphere the size of AFRICA
3. all the googley eyed people walking in the national park is just too much to handle...
4. all of the single people kept pestering me about them not having dates and shit and had me experience they're pathetic single loveless-in-valentines "torment" first-hand...
5. all of those non-single people just haaaaaad to call me and give me various mental pictures about their "most romantic valentines ever!!" and just how much they "love each other so much"...
6. all of those sappy love songs that were played in the radio made my ears bleed... thank goodness for spare batteries and the gensomaden saiyuki best collection audio cd that i brought along with me...
7. *shakes head* i fucking ran out of crappy puke bags due to the insane number of times i saw and heard those things i mentioned...

so to all of those people who made feb 14 unbearable for me... READ ON!!!

1. next year try to wear BLACK!!! it makes you look thinner!!!
2. try to save the planet and give mother nature a break by sending out paper balloons instead... they cause less trouble than you're must-have balloons!!!
3. next time you try walking and groping each other on national parks... GO GET IN LINE IN THOSE CHEAP MOTELS THAT CAN'T FUCKING ACCOMMODATE YOU AND JUST SCREW YOURSELVES SILLY IN THE MOTEL'S FLOOR!!!
4. all you single people during valentines... GET A FIRM GRIP ON YOURSELVES, ON YOUR SANITY, ON YOUR FREAKING LIVES AND ON STINKING REALITY!!! it's just another day in the year...
5. okay... couples? i'm happy that you're sooo very much in love and radiating with it that it gave me cavities through the phone... but can you guys do me a favor and supply me with barf bags, masking tapes, strong rope and super glue for next year's valentine's day?
6. radio people!!! have more HEART... there are "love songs" that aren't so sappy you know!!!
7. who the hell is the smart-ass who started the whole valentine's thing anyway? lead me to him and i'll make him regret EVERYTHING ABOUT THE WHOLE SHIT EVENT... even if he or she is dead already!!! :)

ciao

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

watakushi wa ureshi janai...

honto ni ureshi janai...

so what do i do about it?

what can i do about it?

i always thought i can easily purge the anger that tries to go out of me...

but i found myself submerged in what seems to be an infinite ocean of intense anger...

and every time i tried to pull myself out of it... it pulls me back down, only deeper...

i have never been angry before... i've succeeded in keeping it inside of me... away from other people...

i definitely dont want to start becoming an angry being now...

i need help...

i really do...

because the only thing i can think of to get myself out of this is suicide...

it's better to end my life now than have someone get hurt by my hands because i don't have control anymore...

there's nothing that can hold me back in this area... all the promises will be nullified...

i just hope i can figure this out soon...