right now i ran out of words to express how i feel... but this song captures it well...

POINT BLANK

by

Slapshock

I feel like dyin'
Suffocate or somethin'
Let me hold on to you

Hold me closely
Don't want to suffer
I want to live
Than to fade away

I love my family
They're too far away
To touch me
I want my brother
To come for me

BRIDGE:
Don't want to
Turn away from you
Don't want to
Waste my time
Just to bleed for you

I can't believe the sh*t
You put me through
So cover me
Don't cry for me
This fear in me is killing me

CHORUS:
Why?
Why don't you
Put it in your head?
That I don't wanna die
Don't wanna die
For nothin'
(x2)

Lost my feelin'
Inside of me
I'm bleedin'
I see the devil
On your face

Come separate me
Ne the one to take me
To a place where
Now I can see

Repeat bridge
Repeat chorus

image from Albinator Pro 2.0

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here's a rundown of the goals i set for myself...

insanely far-fetched goals:

1) get a masteral's degree
2) put up my own archi/construction firm
3) establish my own automobile customs and repair shop
4) errect a residential towers in makati

and learn the following languages somewhere in between:

1) japanese
2) french
3) italian
4) german
5) latin

and still remain or become a better speaker and writer of the english language...

image from Anime Project Alliance Gallery

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... beeep... beeep... beeep...

...tooooot.......tooooot.......tooooot....

i can only think of one thing to say at a time like this...

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!!!

image from damagedanime

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time check: 2:20am...

i couldnt sleep so i carried on reading the da vinci code after being phoned by ten-chan...

i finished the book three minutes ago... it's unbelievable... the book really made me think alongside of the characters... it made me do quick rundowns on the topics mentioned in the book i wasnt exactly familiar with... the book raised a series of points/ideals that just made me think and consider things in a different way...

i found it hard to put the book down but i did stop to give my eyes a rest... but after finishing the book i found myself undeniably awake and nowhere close to falling asleep...

i realized after a minute of tossing and turning in the bed that the book actually scared the sleepiness out of me...

yuuuup! i was too bloody freaked out awhile ago to sleep... right now im just too bloody awake to get some sleep...

*sigh*

next on my book list would be db's angels and demons...

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gaaah... i hate being a failure... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

i'm currently reading The Da Vinci Code... yeah... i'm joining the craze... just to see if the book is really worthy of all that praise...

i'm more than half-way done and im really liking the book... i had a hard time putting it down last night... but lexus, my cat, was hell-bent on sleeping and getting me to pet him... dan brown may be good but my cat's better... :P

i hope i get to see ten-chan this weekend... and i hope the weather wouldnt be so harsh by then...

later

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i wuv you ten-chan!

why do i blog?

i blog because it's for free... i blog because this is the one place that i can rant about anything and everything and i wouldnt be scolded for it... i blog because this is my way of seeking and getting the attention that i crave for... i blog because i feel like this is the most available outlet of my negativity...

but why should i talk about personal things on the net?

i spill my guts out online because this is the only sanctuary for my brain that my mom doesnt know about... i've tried journaling and it worked for a period of time untill she saw my journal and decided to make a paperback out of it... you can guess what happened afterwards... i lay myself down on the net because i can do so without being interrupted... because i can do so without having that feeling of people looking into what i'm writing from behind me... because, believe it or not, i find that this is the safest place to contain my thoughts and feelings...

i blog and i expose myself on the net because my blog doesnt talk back... it does not criticize me... it does not interrupt me... it does not hate me for thinking of things the way i do... it does not think i'm stupid for being me... it does not love me for being depressed... it does not praise me for thinking highly of certain people... it does not think im cute for being wrong and deluded and demented and sick...

i blog because it simply doesnt care...

...it kinda sucks to be me...

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it really sucks to have the truth about yourself be exposed to you no less than a hard bitchslap on the face...

and it also sucks to acknowledge some things/people that irritate you so... that hurt you... that you just wanna box out of hatred and anger but never do anything about it...

right now, i think ten-chan's very much disappointed in me... i recognize my problems... i have clearly pointed out those i have issues with... but i never do anything about it... he says he wants to help me *and he is* but i have to learn to help myself... i guess i dont help myself much... or i actually dont help myself at all...

i'm sick of having to be the responsible one... of being the one who has to be the one who's always ready to comfort those who had a crappy day... of being the "mature" one because i'm the oldest... of always being kept at the back of the shelf only to be taken out during the time of desperation... of being the patient one because i'm older... of having to be the "wise one" because i am older...

i'm bloody sick and tired of being the relatively silent shock absorber...

i need therapy... and i would actually welcome prescriptions to meds that say that they could calm me and keep me sane when we all know that they just make things worse...

i'm disliking this whole anger child thing because i cant let it out and the littlest of things morph me into a very very very pissed off and violent person... the wooden posts of my bed have suffered most of my wrath... there goes my least favorite cutter...

... one last thing...

shut the fuck up...

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i woke up from a bad night just to hear my mom ask me if i know a guy named michael and go on about that guy who dropped a call in the house phone around three in the morning... a call which she answered and, having decided to make me feel even more like shit, scolded the still unknown caller for calling at that hour...

i checked my caller id... shit... 026441587, 2:38am,18/9/2004

now i'm highly annoyed and pissed... at her and at not knowing who the caller was and what the bloody call was about...

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...

last night i snapped... i was enraged and distraught at the same time over something i planned on using today but couldnt find... i went at looking for it and mourning over it for two to three hours untill i my body couldnt take anymore and just went to sleep...

i was supposed to go out with ten-chan today... i woke up and saw his message on my phone... he said something came up and had to cancel and that he hopes i wouldnt get pissed over it...

i'm not and told him i would just see him tomorrow afternoon...

the state i'm in right now is temporarilly good for me... i'm not lashing out at anyone like i said i would last night... i want to do that so bad, dont get me wrong... i still want to send those fucked up brains flying all over the place... but... oh well...

i'm conversing with ten-chan right now over the whole unknown-known caller thing... i dont know who's taking it worse... me or him...

as for that shithead who called awhile ago... mr. 6441587... i hate you and i wish you to hell to rot and burn and be in infinite infernal pain!!!

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Ghosts Of Me

don't wake this child of lies, he sleeps here in me
now I'm just his dream

he sees things with my eyes,

things he knows that can't be floating in my mindstream

he's been betrayed by the truth,

led astray by answers bruised by all that's real

so sleep my sorrowed youth while I stand guard here

afraid you'll never heal

I wouldn't mind if he was lost
he wouldn't mind if I was free
I wouldn't mind to take the cost
strike me blind and leave me be

you are me

I wouldn't mind if he was lost
he wouldn't mind if I was free
I wouldn't mind to take the cost
strike me blind and leave me be

you are me

fuuu...

it's 10:40am... still reviewing for my architecture history finals which starts at 12 noon... *sigh* things can't get any worse... i didnt manage to study much for history because the physics take home finals which is also due today kept me stuck...

damn...

experienced a quick earthquake yesterday morning... it was fun... it really woke me up... heehee...

anyway...

death to all who wishes for it...

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drained... i'm physically and emotionally and mentally drained...

i wonder why...

my body has been either numb, painfull or stiff... it makes it real hard for me to get up in the morning or in the afternoon to go to school to *cough* study... my brain has been out of whack lately... i'm having a hard time focusing on things... i usually find myself lost amongst nonsensical factoids and total confusion... it sucks...

i didnt get much sleep last night because i spent the ungodly hours of the night/day conversing and listening to chibi-chan on the phone... i dont mind not having sleep because of that phonecall... it was actually something light and pleasant... nothing destructive or sharp... just something bubbly and clear... chibi-chan shared with me some of the stuff that troubled him... we managed to sort things out... but at the end of it all... i noticed how insecure he has become... it troubled me to find him so unsure of himself... because he wasnt like that couple of years ago... (''.) *sigh* chibi-chan is so special... i wonder how somebody can move in and turn him inside out... affect him this much... it makes me want to go all violent and stuff when i think about it... i love him still even though he's insecure... it actually endeared him to me more... but it would still be better if he wasnt...

tenchan... i feel like ten-chan has been a little distant lately... or maybe it's just me... i mean... i havent been welcoming lately... all this shit makes me want to learn how to smoke and smoke like a factory on a busy day... but that i still dont want to do... bleah... i'll just ask someone out tomorrow evening... go to mayrick's... have a couple of drinks... or something... maybe joel and chibi-chan can/will go with me... or maybe not...

i should just probably sleep this off... there's nothing more to be said...

something i got off wandering_shadow's profile

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had a good afternoon... i finished watching the anime ten-chan gave me... :P he bought the yami no matsue anime dvd collection for me... even though he's not really that interested with yaoi-ish series!

fuuu... my lacuna coil best collection cd is with him... :P he also bought it for me... i had him slap it in his car audio system so he could listen to it... *melts* HE SHITTING LIKED IT!!!

oh god i cant believe i'm still high from all that sugar that he had me eat yesterday... let me see... we had lunch/breakfast at kfc... then had a quick dessert at greenbelt... he bought chocolate ice cream for me... he only wanted me to have a single scoop but i asked for another so i ended up with choco-ice-cream-rush... which worked to my advantage when i was playing pf... heeheehee...

and then... we ate a whole lot more... we pigged out! :P but it was fun...

i wanna do it again!

hmmm... right now, i'm talking to this guy, yuki, who dresses up like a girl everyday... has breast implants and wants a sex change... isnt that great? :) it's always nice to see people like yuki-chan!

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i cant think of anything decent to say...

fuuu... damn... i'm bloody bored... so i engaged myself in answering as much theotaku.com quizzes as possible... and to keep my connection active i parked my nick in an anime chat room at first... but it didnt work out... so... i switched to yaoi tavern instead...

i came to the room to find a distraught Angel letting open the floodgates of his heart... turns out he's this beautiful gay guy... who chooses to dress up like a girl and passes as one most of the time... and since he does pass as a girl... people take advantage of him... hurt him and throw him away after using him... it's sad really... angel is really really really beautiful...

when i get caught up in the pain of others... i forget mine...

... all that made me miss ten-chan all the more... even if we are conversing right now... :)

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theOtaku.com: What is Your Japanese Novelty Item?

i experienced my first encounter with having high blood pressure today...

all thanks to a stuck-up, ill-mannered architecture freshman bitch...

it all started last wednesday when me and some friends were seated along the lockers... me and rona were playing dont break the ice while ahra was finishing her plate and christian was watching her... it was all good and someone quiet untill we heard this urgent voice demanding to know who owns the drawing board infront of her... before anyone could react christian playfully replied by saying it wasnt his... then the girl raised her voice and really demanded to know who owned the board...

it turns out that the board was infront of her locker... and she wanted it out of her way... boy... did she piss alot of people off... she was just a freshman... she didnt have the right go to around the shitting place with the tone she used and with that kind of attitude... ahra asked the offending girl's friend to tell her to think before opening her yap to shit trash...

earlier today i intentionally placed my bag infront of the freshman's locker to see if the girl would act differently this time... 10 minutes before 12 noon i was surprised by a screamed EXCUSE MEEE!!!... i looked up and saw the same girl and took my bag and placed it on my lap... i looked at ahra who was seated opposite me and signalled to her that it was the same girl... anne, another batchmate of mine, who was seated on the other side of the girl's locker, also got the message and started to irritate the other girl by loudly asking... "siya ba? siya ba? siya ba yung mayabang? yung maangas?" i bent over and smiled and tried to weigh my giggles down... then i suddenly heard the freshman yell "putangina! walang gagohan!" needless to say i was really surprised... i sat up straight and looked at her... anne just kept on annoying her and it earned a "tara sa labas tayo! bket ba?" from the girl...

that ticked ahra beyond salvation and she stood up and said, "tara labas tayo... gago ka pala eh..." it was hilarious... the girl didnt say anything and walked away to the direction she came from but before she got too far away ahra heard her say... "akala mo kung sinong magsalita..." hehehe :D fun! she went back with a handfull of other people trailing behind her...

i moved to my left to give them more space... since the girl was hitting my knee with her foot... i planted my right foot on the floor and hugged it with my right arm to hold onto my bag... the girl kneeled down and she hit my elbow... i moved away... she stood up and still hit my elbow... before she walked away she hit my left foot her one of her feet... i'm guessing it was deliberate...

i got so bloody annoyed and angered i felt blood rush to my head real fast... i got a really bad headache... my face felt like it was on fire... and my ears got really red from too much blood... i got back to the house at 2pm and i was still feeling the hot and i was still in pain...

the hot, heavy and uncomfortable feeling didnt go away till i talked it out with ten-chan...

*sigh*

what a tiring day...

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i just finished reading Paulo Coelho's novel entitled ELEVEN MINUTES...

it's really good and i found myself falling inlove with another character of his... what's his name? ralf hart... a young famous painter... what was it about him that made me wish the novel was all about him? oh yes... everything about him was charming... and hellishly likable...

maria, the protagonist of the novel, was amazing as well... she showed great feats of wisdom and courage... her beauty that of woman and a child... her personality of multitudes... made me warm up to her so fast i never let the book go...

just so i could entice you guys into reading the book here's the book's summary off it's flap...

A new international bestseller by the author of The Alchemist tells the story if Maria, a young girl from a Brazilian village, whos first innocent brushes with love leave her heartbroken. At a tender age, she becomes convinced that she will never find true love, instead believing that “Love is a terrible thing that will make you suffer….” A chance meeting in Rio takes her to Geneva, where she dreams of finding fame and fortune. Instead, she ends up working as a prostitute.

In Geneva, Maria drifts further and further away from love as she develops a fascination with sex. Eventually, Maria’s despairing view of love is put to the test when she meets a handsome young painter. In this odyssey of self-discovery, Maria has to choose between pursuing a path of darkness—sexual pleasure for its own sake—or risking everything to find her own “inner light” and the possibility of sacred sex—sex in the context of love.

In this gripping and daring new novel, Paulo Coelho sensitively explores the sacred nature of sex and love, and invites us to confront our own prejudices and demons and to embrace our own “inner light.”

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i met a rather interesting person yesterday... as usual, i went online out of boredom and set off to park myself in a yahoo chatroom... i opted for one of the anime chatrooms and once in i set it aside to do some research...

i recieved an im from a guy named herotolegend... turns out he was the guy asking about hellsing in the chatroom... a question a answered with something i cant really remember...

we talked for hours about anime to our appreciation of sentai shows to our respective country's politics and so much more... it's nice to be able to interact with someone new and apart from the circles i'm used to...

hope more of those existed in the world...

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i need to get my hands on a copy of coelho's other books... my sister has eleven minutes, the alchemist, veronika decides to die, the pilgrimage and by the river piedra i sat down and wept... i have read most of these books but i havent read the alchemist and by the river yet...

neil gaiman must wait for a couple more weeks before i buy his other books...

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win me over with books and various literature...

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