point blank

i feel like dying
suffocate or something
let me hold onto you

it's not just LSS. i think it's how i feel right now. strange. since i ought to not feel the darker colors, see the harsher tones and hear the resounding silence.

hold me closely
don't want to suffer
i want to live than to fade away

i'm trying to decide if salvation is something that i truly want. hell. i can't even decide if i want to stay. here. in the middle of everything and nothing.

i love my family
they're too far away to touch me
i want my brother to come for me

a brother. it would be nice i guess if i had someone like that to look up to. to hold onto. to rely on. to have someone who'll yell and hit me because he cares and not because he hates me and is embarrassed by me. i scoff at the memory. in public, whilst watching that stupid basketball game. i cheered for our time and got a smack at the back of the head for it.

don't want to turn away from you
don't want to waste my time just to bleed for you
i can't believe the shit you put me through
so cover me, don't cry for me
this fear in me is killing me

a paradox. i do not wish to but another is telling me to. and that another is in me. only an idiot would cry for the likes of me. but it is a nice thought. ah fear. it consumes me. it burns and somehow reminds me that i'm alive and yet it makes me feel empty and insignificantly useless.

why?!
why don't you put it in your head
that i don't wanna die, don't wanna die for nothing

no. but i would welcome shinigami if it means the voices stop and i would no longer feel your seething mocking eyes on me.

lost my feelin' inside of me i'm bleedin'
i see the devil on your face
come separate me, be the one to take me
to a place where now I can see

i don't think i want you to.. alteast not anymore. must i lose my soul to you as well?

the other half sings another song though...

Hiding here, Hoping this will finally give me peace
Pretty please
Readying, practicing the damage on my cheek

I'm not about to crumble
I'm not about to cave
I'm not about to paint you a picture
So you'll see me
So You'll Hear Me

surrender... i'm afraid i don't do it too well.

yes, master.

=.=

stuff i must accomplish over the long weekend:

siena singing idol cd :: i stayed up all night for this. the task? to burn a cd of the minus one version of the songs that the contestants will be singing at the finals which is on friday. simple enough right? since mrs. lek did give me a cd of karaoke versions or some such. i was sooo wrong. see, the cd wasn't an mp3 compilation. it was a dvd. so in the end, i had to locate and download 9 OPMs and manually get rid of the vocals of the songs. not an easy thing to do since i have no idea how to do that. but thank god and all those military geniuses for making the internet, p2p sharing and for the awesome free software that is AUDACITY! so a lot of clicking, frustrated grunts and almost falling asleep on the keyboard, i finished it! yey~! it's not 100%-vocals-free, mind you. mp3s, being incredibly compressed, just doesn't allow for clear invertions but i did what i could and at around 2am, i burned the damned cd! wooohooooooooooooooooooo~ lol. it's instrumental-y enough.

theatre script :: adaptation or no, the script is still going to recieve rewrites. and it would seem that the theater adaptation of count alaric's lady will be getting a hell of a lot of editing. me and abbygirl were throwing ideas around last night while i was figuring out how to do the audio editing shit on premiere and we had a lot of great ideas but at the end, it didn't sound like count alaric's lady anymore. haha. an adaptation of an adaptation of count alaric's lady. should be interesting. i haven't typed a single word since i'm not sure about which direction to take, so if anyone has ideas, please please, do tell~

i spent five minutes thinking of anything else that needs to get done... and the sheer magnitude of the rest of my to-do list is depressing me quite a bit

a tv script and the final version of the radio script of pinocchio and a storyboard for mc105 :: i managed to get a dent on this. with the story board the only thing that i have to do is make it on word and print it out doodle on it a bit and i'm home-free! the radio script is almost done so not much worry there. it's the effing tv script that's bugging the fuck out of me. i suck at split scripts. and what i've come up with just isn't good. grrr!!!

i was thinking of the reason as to why i'm listing out the crap i have to finish. and i think at some point i thought, it would help. but really... what the fuck was i thinking?!

aug 29. buwan ng wika activity :: i asked paula tulagan to take care of this. that's one less thing to worry about i suppose. i mean i don't have to think of how to arrange the activities for that day and make an effing programme, hunt people down to be emcees, make a script for said emcees, confirm which classes will be performing and think up of prizes for that best dressed thing and all before tuesday. because tuesday, aug 26, is when the programme is to be passed without fail! i do NOT have a thing to wear. yes, yes. we're all required to come to school in full filipiniana regalia and i sure as hell have nothing that resembles a filipiniana dress thing. abby will be renting but girl, i dont think i'll be able to swallow chucking php800 for a dress that i'll wear for half a day. lol. we'll see though.

my mind is reeling. whichever braincell thought of making this post should just die.

i am looking forward to little tinoy's (i sure hope i got the name right) birthday party~! wooo~t!!

oh god. i almost forgot about the aylc collegue assesment sheets that i have to fill out. =.= ah, how to be objective when--.... abby!!! help!!!!!

anybody got a card reader?

hey hey heeey~

really sorry to those who drop by my multiply to check out their pics taken at it's your thing.

however, i took the weekend to just get plastered to the bed and unwind by mushing my brain with anime and sleep.

i'll have the pictures up by say, tonight or tomorrow morning.

drop by again then~

---

don't get caught!

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bgm of the minute :: run it (remix) - chris brown feat juelz santana

silver lining~

it's crunch time! the last quarter of the final game and the team i belong to is down by a bazillion points!

at least i have something to wear for tomorrow. all thanks to abbygirl of course! whew! gotta love having a friend who knows her way around the mall and has awesome fashion sense. :P

thanks by~

hmm...

i think i'm in denial or something. dun wanna think about tomorrow.

... i think i'm allowed to feel that way...

bite me if you have a problem with it.

heathens, smartasses and conceited fools... lend me your... eyes?

hay... to say this week, this very day (wednesday) has been draining and tiring is a bloody understatement.

here's a small list of what i have to take care of this week alone:

1. acquaintance party :: as in, collecting of payments, compensating for and cleaning up after the officers who are MIA (Missing In Action), ineffective, causes PANDEFUCKINGMONIUM, and a hell of a lot more
2. a news feature about siena college and the jubilee thing
3. OJT
4. let's not forget academics

[start rant] effing sorry but i really need to get this off my chest. call me a flipping hypocrite if i didn't admit that it annoys me when i hear people say they're being overwhelmed and are getting tired from doing their council work. it's not that i don't appreciate whatever it is that they do, ang sa akin lang. sana huwag na ninyong sabihin out loud, kasi kung ikukumpara ninyo yung ikinapapagod ninyo kamo sa mga ginawa ni abby espiritu, walang wala yan. kasehodang magabsent si abby para lang makapagcollect ng payments, nagiistay sa school ng hanggang 5pm, napunta sa caterer para makipagusap, gumawa ng programme at kung ano ano pa para lang sa acquaintance party na yan! i mean, please take a moment to think about the, i'm sorry to say this, very few officers who actually work their sorry butts off, sacrifice their time and academics just to see this effing party through.[end rant]

hay buhay nga naman.

i'm starting to think me being the president of the student coordinating council is a bloody joke.

swamped

i was really looking forward to a relatively laid back weekend but alas... there's no rest for the wicked and for those who want to get shit done.

kudos to abbygirl for working damn hard and for doing way more than what is expected of her. thank you and i appreciate the gargantuan effort you put into the council's activities. don't take everything on. you burning out is the last thing i'd wish for you.

it's hard to be optimistic when there's a big and very obvious cloud of impending doom over the horizon... and everything tells you that it's heading your way.

yay! fun!

dress to impress is the new theme-ish thing.

i wonder what i should/could wear...

any ideas?

think happy thoughts so you can...

get screwed like a 2-bit slutwhore.

yuuuuuuuuuup~ denial can do that.

oh well.

---

at least it's not all hopeless...

---

hollowed.

unmanaged anger

it stings and it's annoying because it doesn't hurt.

so much to do so much incompetence about...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay naiku.

must they be humiliated or reprimanded greatly before they learn their lesson?

=.=

would it kill you to KNOW YOUR GODDAMN PLACE?

if it does... do try your hardest!

i'll be cheering you on.

as for those who pretend and seem to be busy and active when in bloody fact they are just so bloody full of it...

i hope your bag-o-hot-air pops like a flipping zit!





sooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch loooooooooooooooooveeeeeeeeeeeee