tap, click, type

seeing as it's been forever since my last post, i decided to bump my blog back to life with this...

someone texted me earlier today and this is what he had to say:

"i listed down my reasons why i wanted to kill myself;
i did it over and over and every time i did,
it became worse- comical even." -setsuko kano

this reminded me of you.

i said thank you. i'm all for being remembered~ XD

=====

what to talk about...

i can't think of anything... except, watching someone relatively close to you become stubborn out of fear is really something. there's nothing shameful about feeling fear. but when you let it push you into a corner, that's the time one ought to feel effing silly.

pitiful is the mind frozen in fear
pathetic is the heart blinded with denial
useless is the soul that refuses to see
all of which you have become

you yearn for advice
wisdom of experience and time
yet you refuse to hear!
and chose to wear rose-colored glasses

countless are the moments of companionship
unquestionable is the strength of friendship
but infinite they are not
and time wears them thin

little child, little child
head thy sorrowed friends
cast away thy fear
embrace, instead, your tears

fight this battle
and the ones that shall be borne of it
see it as a challenge
and not as your punishment

so SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!
you're not alone on this
you got me...
even if he leaves you for shit
you WILL still have us.

bitter coals

take your leave and never look back.
i have no silver to give you nor are you worth as much.

heaven will shun you and purgatory will mock your plight.
no answer will be given to your seeking eyes.

away with your falsehood and turn from your grace.
it is not glory you seek but of pain you reek.

unwanting is your mind and unsure is your heart.
peace is an idea you will never take hold of.

thrust into the darkness and revel in the cold.
the blood runs its course but stops for one.

my lord is your hero and my death your release.
have at me for not much time is left.

offer not your claim of love
i have no need or want for it
suffer not on my behalf
only a fool would subject to it

here before you little is left
much was ripped from me, stolen
taken from me, my sanity and being
i am my person no longer

lay not upon me your comfort
i have done little to deserve it
let me trickle slowly
show you how i fall

what you speak of warms me not
keep your arms away and to your soul
salvation is for those who seek it
i most certainly do not

pardon a brief moment of thanks
despite the hate is debt
take it and never look back
i have nothing else to give you..

nor am i worth that much.

thank you

for finding me when i gave up

for wiping the tears that never came

for holding me close when i fell apart

for hearing every silent scream

for the kindness,

for letting me know you're there

for the one thing i never thought i was allowed to have

one last thing...

would you mind telling me who you are?

payback's a bitch

i do it to myself. hell, i do a lot of things to myself and not that kind you're thinking you perv. but it holds true. i do a lot of stupid things to myself.

like allowing myself to wander and then feel and eventually long for something, anything, someone, anyone..

*sigh*

i ought to stop and since i am familiar with this pattern i should just not get into it. but one way or another i still end up in this bitter bitter state of mind.

it's a stroke of genius on my part. really, it is.

+++

ever lost something you don't own?
ever had something that is not yours?
ever wanted something that you know is set to make a mess of your life but can't refuse?
ever reached out for a hand that was never really there?
ever love/d the "wrong" person?
ever thought it would be better to just dream than to live in something as vile as reality?

+++

jesus.

the angst and the emo-ness of it all is suffocating. ew.

*sigh*

reading more than a handful of fics does that to you.

i think it's quite alright to say..

i feel lonely.

^^

a couple of years ago, i would've said i'm lonely but i grew older and realized that there's a difference between being alone and feeling like you are...

watashi wa hitori janai..

i've said that before. but it's only now that i learned what it really meant.

=p

i really do feel lonely at this very moment... or maybe i just feel a wee bit empty. either way, it's alright as long as i know that i am not alone.

beloved

i've grown tired of repeatedly beating myself up over being painfully single.

not being able to have someone to love, share and hold can, at the worst of times, make one ache.

for me, it has caused immense amounts of frustration, doubt, depression and confusion.

sans amour

i am without love.

it's quite alright though.. all the times i was alone has taught me a great deal. i like to believe that my solitude, if you could call it that, has taught me to love more.. better.

i may not have been so unfortunate after all... i may, in fact, be a person who has a lot of love in me.





i think it would be incredibly nice if you came crashing into my life again.. even if you would just leave as fast as you came. if that's not possible that's okay too. i think i can find a piece of you in another person and that would be enough. cruel, fake but enough.. suki dayo..


emo post. yes, i know. but for some strange reason.. i think i'll hang on to that oh so familiar dinky sinking feeling and keep it to myself.


i want to see the flip side.