bitter coals

take your leave and never look back.
i have no silver to give you nor are you worth as much.

heaven will shun you and purgatory will mock your plight.
no answer will be given to your seeking eyes.

away with your falsehood and turn from your grace.
it is not glory you seek but of pain you reek.

unwanting is your mind and unsure is your heart.
peace is an idea you will never take hold of.

thrust into the darkness and revel in the cold.
the blood runs its course but stops for one.

my lord is your hero and my death your release.
have at me for not much time is left.

offer not your claim of love
i have no need or want for it
suffer not on my behalf
only a fool would subject to it

here before you little is left
much was ripped from me, stolen
taken from me, my sanity and being
i am my person no longer

lay not upon me your comfort
i have done little to deserve it
let me trickle slowly
show you how i fall

what you speak of warms me not
keep your arms away and to your soul
salvation is for those who seek it
i most certainly do not

pardon a brief moment of thanks
despite the hate is debt
take it and never look back
i have nothing else to give you..

nor am i worth that much.

morning... um... what's the color for craziness? :P

date :: august 8, 2007

time :: madaling araw // around 4:30 in the morning

what :: raffy, my úber laptop, was subjected once more to one of my random and insanely weird strokes of "creativity"

haha

i woke up early, i dont know why. it didnt make much sense to me since my class starts at 11am. anyway, i couldnt find sleep again so i powered raffy up and surfed and downloaded some songs for awhile.

all was good until i couldnt decide on which songs to download and blogs to read.

so,

boredom + me + photoshop + a bunch of pictures = a pathetic hodgepodge i would like to call.. ahm... art. [ang kapal ren ng mukha ko kung minsan. XD]

feel free to subject your eyes to the product of my temporary brush with boredom induced insanity :P

*click on the image thingy for a higher resolution copy :P*

damn freaking flabbit~!

oh.my.good.lord.in.heaven.

*sigh* i can't even begin with how things turned out today.

but allow me to say this...

i'm glad things are cool between the two of you...

sure i favor you over the other...

but i'm really glad you're not after each other's throats anymore..




seriously,

i'm glad you're safe.

i sure hope you keep it that way...

hugs all around

*ahem*

*HUUUG~!!!*

fussing over you.

^^ cheezy title ne?

tonikaku..

tegami.. letters... sulat... as in snail mail. people, i think have lost their appreciation for the aforementioned object.

i'm not going into detail. i am too tired for that.

---

i'm relieved to know pumpkin's doing fine. i still wish he didnt have to put himself in that kind of "isolating" situation though..

*sigh*

---

i have terrible penmanship. i guess i'll have to settle for having my next letters typewritten. typewritten letters lack affection though.. it's too, impersonal almost.

bah.

---

summer heat. winter aftermath. it's hot over here but it's freezing over there. i'm not sure if you read my blog, nii-chan, but you really need to do something about *it*

...before *it* drives you insane.

---

swept and blown away

further, higher up the sky

to the ground, breathless

atsui..

it's hot.

ang init.

yep. summer's here and it's not being shy at all~! thankfully, the summer season allows me to enjoy the holy week at my grandma's. meaning total relaxation, seemingly endless cooking of breakfast for all and let's not forget the beach.

sure sure.. i'm not really supposed to have fun during the said holiday. but i'll be damned if i dont get a chance to shrivel up like an over-sized prune on the beach. :D

---

hmm... there's a whole bunch of things i need to get done before the week ends. enroll for summer classes, have my passport renewed, enroll for language school.

summer classes, a seemingly mundane activity that forces you to haul your ass off and out of your bed and get ready for school in this unforgiving heat.

passport business. i'm going to hongkong~! *gasp* i'm going out of the country for the first time! yay. shopping. i would have to miss out on the first week of classes. o.O why am i not really enjoying this?

language school. japanese and french! yeah~ see, i'm really working hard to use up all my braincells so they dont just disintegrate without being utilized.

i wonder if i'll ever survive the summer...

---

and here i thought that nobody could mess with my head more than he did/has. obviously i am quite mistaken here. somebody trumped guy-previously-mentioned! and i can't believe just how much he's got my brain in knots on what seems to be very minimal effort.

hmmmm...

:D

i'm having fun~!

*giggles*

;p

cheers~

the semester and the academic year is nearing it's end. it doesn't, by any means, signify that hell week or hell season is over but the thought of a long vacation after those weeks of headaches and cramming and toiling is enough to make me feel giddy.

i am going back to school in the summer though. lol. summer classes. i don't mind it that much so it's all good.

XD

300 is the freaking best~!

if you haven't seen it... you're definitely missing out.


*ahem*

it will all be over by the time the school year officially closes!

:P

*ahem-ahem* isang munting mensahe

sikat sikat
tapos punta sa buwan
baka doon makakuha ng hinahanap na
katotohanan

kasi nga naman
wento ng wento
kwentuhan lng
buti sana kung may kabuluhan
at kaunting katotohanan
ang mga pinagkakalat sa iba

ang iba naman
natuwa ng sobra
walang pakialam basta may makita

paano kasi
naiiba
kaya nakakatuwa
pero
baka bukas
pagsawaan na

bakit kaya sinimulan?
eh kung maubusan ng ideya?
paano na?

sabi ko na nga eh
punta punta na lang sa buwan
baka doon
doon
dun

haaay..
ang tao nga naman
pag walang magawa
bigla bigla na lang
magsasalita

pero
para sa pagkakataong nasa isip ko
kulang
kulang na kulang ang galing sa isip lang

walang masama
sa pakikipaglokohan sa iba
mali
bola lang pala
kaya okay lang

pero pag napagod na ang isip
at naisipan nang totohanin
may marating ka kaya?

sana

at para sa 'yo na ren,
meron
malayo den sana ang pagpulutan sayo

pero kung hindi
at mapansin
na napaatras pa
sayang..

hindi..

kawawa naman.

no?

wawa naman siya..

-----

o.O oookaaaay~ i'll keep the reason as to why that came out to myself. :P heehee

thanks for eleven71188 for telling me to post this bloody thing.

i think it's quite alright to say..

i feel lonely.

^^

a couple of years ago, i would've said i'm lonely but i grew older and realized that there's a difference between being alone and feeling like you are...

watashi wa hitori janai..

i've said that before. but it's only now that i learned what it really meant.

=p

i really do feel lonely at this very moment... or maybe i just feel a wee bit empty. either way, it's alright as long as i know that i am not alone.

myTunes <3

"Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide"
-Collide by Howie Day

it's best to let the music do all the talking at times...

"Don't let yourself go

Cause everybody cries

And everybody hurts

Sometimes "

-Everybody Hurts by The Corrs

a fact, a universal one... one i'm living out right now..

"There's a lot of things I understand

And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know

But you're the only face I recognize

It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

It's alright, I'm ok

I think God can explain

I believe I'm the same

I get carried away

It's alright, I'm ok

I think God can explain

I'm relieved, I'm relaxed

I'll get over it, yeah"

-I Think God Can Explain by Splendor

social kilig~

hmm...

did you know that there are a couple of kinds of yawns? one of which is the social yawn. when one sees another yawn that person tends to yawn and when another person sees that person yawn he yawns himself...

i did not make that up..

anyway... so that's the social yawn.. i never thought that kilig could be contagious too.

apparently, everyone is kilig for me. i got back from my monday outing with chiki and her friend, xander [i refuse to call him al] past midnight, tuesday. in my hand was a boquet of white roses xander bought and gave me on a whim while we were drinking at sharkies.

x.X

i was telling ate lady about said evening when she and my sister all of a sudden veared the conversation to...

is he cute?

what do you guys text about?

and the heavy hitter c/o my cousin,

so you have a date for valentine's na?

my mind just reeled and i couldn't help but go, "ha?!"

but here's the thing.. everyone else is experiencing kilig on my account, right? how come i'm not feeling it?

:P

but to answer their questions:

yep, he's cute and we text about all sorts of stuff. i prefer talking with him than texting with him though..

^^

it's all so juvenile

yeeeep~

as if it wasn't enough for the cosmos to have me think my classmate is cute, it just had to play things up a bit.

my sister and her friend were incredibly amused to find that i do have a crush on someone. it's kind of silly really since i'm already 20 and i had the impression that you would have to be a tween to crush on someone. obviously, i'm horridly wrong.

anyway..

i watched the smirk grow on my sister's face as she listened to me say that that guy was the perfect mixture of intellect and kulit. it's true! he's smart and insanely amusing. he would have me laugh and smile at his expense. :P he's no clown, mind you. he kept me from dozing off in class without having to resort to mediocrity.

yesterday, aside from our usual chatter while "listening" to our prof, he scribbled on a piece of paper and slapped it on my table. next thing i know, we've already used up the sheet and he took out one whole yellow paper. lol

looking back, note passing while verbally talking about something else is something i don't usually do. come to think of it, what we wrote about isn't exactly something i would "talk" about with a classmate..

O.o this whole crush and kilig thing is totally insane! amusing and funny but insane nonetheless..

i guess it's just as he wrote: to be continued...

:P

i found something interesting to read..

only thing left to do is to find myself a copy. :P

a little bit of that

a friend of mine told me that all we need is a little bit of kilig.

i thought he was crazy. :P

it's a pretty interesting feeling, that kilig. so interesting that there's no english word for it. it's relatively hard to explain since the feeling is different for everyone. me? i feel a hodgepodge of mushy gushy teenybopper-ish kinds of emotions. i'd feel giddy [like *squee* kind of giddy. -.-;;], cute and flushed all at the same time.

pathetic and just plain idiotic when you think about it. then again, feeling it is another ball game.

i'm not going to go into details. i think i already overtold the story. XD

now what would be a great track for said kilig moment?

o.O can't think of any songs. lol :D leave it.

my piso's worth :: being kilig [good lord. i sound so bloody conio X.x] is like having ice cream. you don't fuss about making a mess or not having any after finishing your cone. you just focus on enjoying the pleasantly cold treat. don't start wandering away thinking that it could be more than just plain kilig and start planning a wedding! ^^ see, the best thing is to just savor the moment but don't stay there forever.

it just makes for good chitchat ;P

heehee look at what i found~ :D

movie :: Step Up
song :: Till the Dawn
by :: Drew Sidora

:D

a eulogy... of sorts

i would like to believe something profound caused my mind into such a pitifull standstill. i wish i could put the blame on a person who has caused me immense amounts of grief. but i am afraid i am the only one to blame for the death of my mind.

i have become careless and let myself go when i should have hung on with every fiber of my being. the sudden onslaught of having friends and responsibilities has caused me to lose focus and eventually found my way to shamefull neglect.

oh, what i fool i have been. oh, what i distastefull thing i have become!

is it too late to regain what i have so foolishly thrown away? is there nothing i can do to rid myself of this cancer?

oh my dear, most cherished vengefull love, could you ever find it in that wonderfully twisted heart of yours to grant me exile? your distance consumes me. your words, heavy with bitter passion, make me ache. spare me a second or two to think.

wonderful isn't it? i can't even keep on one track of thought..

beloved

i've grown tired of repeatedly beating myself up over being painfully single.

not being able to have someone to love, share and hold can, at the worst of times, make one ache.

for me, it has caused immense amounts of frustration, doubt, depression and confusion.

sans amour

i am without love.

it's quite alright though.. all the times i was alone has taught me a great deal. i like to believe that my solitude, if you could call it that, has taught me to love more.. better.

i may not have been so unfortunate after all... i may, in fact, be a person who has a lot of love in me.





i think it would be incredibly nice if you came crashing into my life again.. even if you would just leave as fast as you came. if that's not possible that's okay too. i think i can find a piece of you in another person and that would be enough. cruel, fake but enough.. suki dayo..


emo post. yes, i know. but for some strange reason.. i think i'll hang on to that oh so familiar dinky sinking feeling and keep it to myself.


i want to see the flip side.