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seeing as it's been forever since my last post, i decided to bump my blog back to life with this...

someone texted me earlier today and this is what he had to say:

"i listed down my reasons why i wanted to kill myself;
i did it over and over and every time i did,
it became worse- comical even." -setsuko kano

this reminded me of you.

i said thank you. i'm all for being remembered~ XD

=====

what to talk about...

i can't think of anything... except, watching someone relatively close to you become stubborn out of fear is really something. there's nothing shameful about feeling fear. but when you let it push you into a corner, that's the time one ought to feel effing silly.

pitiful is the mind frozen in fear
pathetic is the heart blinded with denial
useless is the soul that refuses to see
all of which you have become

you yearn for advice
wisdom of experience and time
yet you refuse to hear!
and chose to wear rose-colored glasses

countless are the moments of companionship
unquestionable is the strength of friendship
but infinite they are not
and time wears them thin

little child, little child
head thy sorrowed friends
cast away thy fear
embrace, instead, your tears

fight this battle
and the ones that shall be borne of it
see it as a challenge
and not as your punishment

so SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT!
you're not alone on this
you got me...
even if he leaves you for shit
you WILL still have us.

sōlus

somewhere, something broke into pieces
and no matter how hard one prays,
the blood lost will remain a scar forever true...

astray, how is she to find her way
when darkness is the only thing she sees
and heaven is not exactly a place she seeks?

her laughter shakes her and tears at her core
her smile is perfect and fooled everyone
but her soul carries on in tears

you see her existence as a sin
is she truly to blame
if the only treatment she can afford is pain?

time is without mercy and fate often cruel
when will she find that point in her life
that will be her anchor and reason?

resignation leaves her to sigh
numb, she looks out the window
but the view never caught on...

bitter coals

take your leave and never look back.
i have no silver to give you nor are you worth as much.

heaven will shun you and purgatory will mock your plight.
no answer will be given to your seeking eyes.

away with your falsehood and turn from your grace.
it is not glory you seek but of pain you reek.

unwanting is your mind and unsure is your heart.
peace is an idea you will never take hold of.

thrust into the darkness and revel in the cold.
the blood runs its course but stops for one.

my lord is your hero and my death your release.
have at me for not much time is left.

offer not your claim of love
i have no need or want for it
suffer not on my behalf
only a fool would subject to it

here before you little is left
much was ripped from me, stolen
taken from me, my sanity and being
i am my person no longer

lay not upon me your comfort
i have done little to deserve it
let me trickle slowly
show you how i fall

what you speak of warms me not
keep your arms away and to your soul
salvation is for those who seek it
i most certainly do not

pardon a brief moment of thanks
despite the hate is debt
take it and never look back
i have nothing else to give you..

nor am i worth that much.

thank you

for finding me when i gave up

for wiping the tears that never came

for holding me close when i fell apart

for hearing every silent scream

for the kindness,

for letting me know you're there

for the one thing i never thought i was allowed to have

one last thing...

would you mind telling me who you are?

morning... um... what's the color for craziness? :P

date :: august 8, 2007

time :: madaling araw // around 4:30 in the morning

what :: raffy, my úber laptop, was subjected once more to one of my random and insanely weird strokes of "creativity"

haha

i woke up early, i dont know why. it didnt make much sense to me since my class starts at 11am. anyway, i couldnt find sleep again so i powered raffy up and surfed and downloaded some songs for awhile.

all was good until i couldnt decide on which songs to download and blogs to read.

so,

boredom + me + photoshop + a bunch of pictures = a pathetic hodgepodge i would like to call.. ahm... art. [ang kapal ren ng mukha ko kung minsan. XD]

feel free to subject your eyes to the product of my temporary brush with boredom induced insanity :P

*click on the image thingy for a higher resolution copy :P*

hugs all around

*ahem*

*HUUUG~!!!*

fussing over you.

^^ cheezy title ne?

tonikaku..

tegami.. letters... sulat... as in snail mail. people, i think have lost their appreciation for the aforementioned object.

i'm not going into detail. i am too tired for that.

---

i'm relieved to know pumpkin's doing fine. i still wish he didnt have to put himself in that kind of "isolating" situation though..

*sigh*

---

i have terrible penmanship. i guess i'll have to settle for having my next letters typewritten. typewritten letters lack affection though.. it's too, impersonal almost.

bah.

---

summer heat. winter aftermath. it's hot over here but it's freezing over there. i'm not sure if you read my blog, nii-chan, but you really need to do something about *it*

...before *it* drives you insane.

---

swept and blown away

further, higher up the sky

to the ground, breathless

atsui..

it's hot.

ang init.

yep. summer's here and it's not being shy at all~! thankfully, the summer season allows me to enjoy the holy week at my grandma's. meaning total relaxation, seemingly endless cooking of breakfast for all and let's not forget the beach.

sure sure.. i'm not really supposed to have fun during the said holiday. but i'll be damned if i dont get a chance to shrivel up like an over-sized prune on the beach. :D

---

hmm... there's a whole bunch of things i need to get done before the week ends. enroll for summer classes, have my passport renewed, enroll for language school.

summer classes, a seemingly mundane activity that forces you to haul your ass off and out of your bed and get ready for school in this unforgiving heat.

passport business. i'm going to hongkong~! *gasp* i'm going out of the country for the first time! yay. shopping. i would have to miss out on the first week of classes. o.O why am i not really enjoying this?

language school. japanese and french! yeah~ see, i'm really working hard to use up all my braincells so they dont just disintegrate without being utilized.

i wonder if i'll ever survive the summer...

---

and here i thought that nobody could mess with my head more than he did/has. obviously i am quite mistaken here. somebody trumped guy-previously-mentioned! and i can't believe just how much he's got my brain in knots on what seems to be very minimal effort.

hmmmm...

:D

i'm having fun~!

payback's a bitch

i do it to myself. hell, i do a lot of things to myself and not that kind you're thinking you perv. but it holds true. i do a lot of stupid things to myself.

like allowing myself to wander and then feel and eventually long for something, anything, someone, anyone..

*sigh*

i ought to stop and since i am familiar with this pattern i should just not get into it. but one way or another i still end up in this bitter bitter state of mind.

it's a stroke of genius on my part. really, it is.

+++

ever lost something you don't own?
ever had something that is not yours?
ever wanted something that you know is set to make a mess of your life but can't refuse?
ever reached out for a hand that was never really there?
ever love/d the "wrong" person?
ever thought it would be better to just dream than to live in something as vile as reality?

+++

jesus.

the angst and the emo-ness of it all is suffocating. ew.

*sigh*

reading more than a handful of fics does that to you.

turning 21 isn't as grand as people make it...

for those of you who aren't in the know, i turned 21 last march 7 of this year.

i was excited for the most part. i left being 20 with the most interesting of experiences but now that the hype of my birthday has worn off.. i'm starting to think that being 21 isn't that great.

it's just another year. what makes it different from the rest?

hmm... what's tugging at my brain cells is the fact that i might be going through emotions that are set on a cyclical pattern. i just turned 21 but angst is just right around the corner, to which i'll give my mom sole credit for.

...

i am such a juvenile.

---

on school::

march 8, '07

i wake up around 4 in the morning after only having 2 hours of sleep to work on my book report that was due later on that day. the rest of the class, albeit two people, get to pass their report next week, but i was told that my deadline was to be on that day.

alright.

ever the procrastinator, i only began working on my book report that week. wednesday morning to be more exact.

anyway,

true to my cramming skills, i finish the paper. i'm guessing i'll get a b+ if not an a- on it since there's going to be a verbal report to go along with it.

very much sleep deprived, i haul my sorry ass to school and wait for lit class. 1pm... 1:30pm... BOOM~! we were told all afternoon classes were cancelled that day..

i think my brain died and was revived at the same moment.

*sigh*

as if that wasn't enough.. i went back to the house and straight to bed feeling really pissed about a whole damn lot of things. [note: angst.] my pod was turned way up and the fans were directed towards the general direction of my bed. i was pretty much set to enjoy an isolated, detached sleep. come to think of it, i was already asleep when i felt a hand on my forehead and it wont go away.

i pull one of the ear plugs from my ears and open my eye to see my mom hovering over me.
me: what?
her: did someone bully you at school?
me: [what the flying fuck?!] no.
her: [keeps at the annoying thing she was doing to my head] you okay?
me: [leave me alone..] yes! i just want to catch up on some sleep.

i put the ear plug back and i close my eyes. i feel her leave. i wake up around 6 in the evening. mama, my aunt, sat beside me and i woke up because of the bed shifting. i greet her and she tells me things i'll just leave out since that would mean a lengthier post. that's when i notice the pins and needles sensation on my hands. i look at them and lo~! they're swollen and bloody red.

allergic reaction.

i only ate once that day. breakfast. with my mom. stuff she bought. must be the fish or the shrimp. seafood allergy. effing great.

the swelling has gone done since i changed meds. i get to have the pink pills with steriods in them. bleah. the only upside is that the meds knock me out most of the time so it's all good. i ended up having to cancel my drinking session with a couple of buds to celebrate my birthday.

like i said, the swelling has gone down.. only to be replaced by the annoying itching. heh.

seriously... kids, if you think turning 21 will be some sort of exodus or life-changing chapter..


fucking think again.

-----

...

o.O

.

.

.

>.<

.

.

.

what the fuck is wrong with me?!

.

.

.

X.x

unreal.

i know emcee-ing is part of being a mass communications student but it is sooo not fair to have to do it by yourself, with only an hour to prepare.

i did enjoy the talk//forum though...

i was forced to enjoy it.. if i didn't, i would have shrivelled up and died out of boredom.

one of the speakers gave me his calling card.. he said to call him up if we ever need a speaker who'll talk about careers and what not..

it kinda tripped me out a bit when he all of a sudden pulled out his wallet and gave me his card. see, the forum hasn't ended around that time.

*shrug*

i'm craving for a chicken mcrice thingy.

i want something new to listen to..

hmm.. crushes are such short-lived engagements for me..

^^ it was fun to be kilig and all that while i fussed over you but now would be a good time as any to move on. :P don't get me wrong.. you're still cute and witty and all the stuff i said you were but-but-but~

^.~

you don't have to look..

just

listen

social kilig~

hmm...

did you know that there are a couple of kinds of yawns? one of which is the social yawn. when one sees another yawn that person tends to yawn and when another person sees that person yawn he yawns himself...

i did not make that up..

anyway... so that's the social yawn.. i never thought that kilig could be contagious too.

apparently, everyone is kilig for me. i got back from my monday outing with chiki and her friend, xander [i refuse to call him al] past midnight, tuesday. in my hand was a boquet of white roses xander bought and gave me on a whim while we were drinking at sharkies.

x.X

i was telling ate lady about said evening when she and my sister all of a sudden veared the conversation to...

is he cute?

what do you guys text about?

and the heavy hitter c/o my cousin,

so you have a date for valentine's na?

my mind just reeled and i couldn't help but go, "ha?!"

but here's the thing.. everyone else is experiencing kilig on my account, right? how come i'm not feeling it?

:P

but to answer their questions:

yep, he's cute and we text about all sorts of stuff. i prefer talking with him than texting with him though..

^^

it's all so juvenile

yeeeep~

as if it wasn't enough for the cosmos to have me think my classmate is cute, it just had to play things up a bit.

my sister and her friend were incredibly amused to find that i do have a crush on someone. it's kind of silly really since i'm already 20 and i had the impression that you would have to be a tween to crush on someone. obviously, i'm horridly wrong.

anyway..

i watched the smirk grow on my sister's face as she listened to me say that that guy was the perfect mixture of intellect and kulit. it's true! he's smart and insanely amusing. he would have me laugh and smile at his expense. :P he's no clown, mind you. he kept me from dozing off in class without having to resort to mediocrity.

yesterday, aside from our usual chatter while "listening" to our prof, he scribbled on a piece of paper and slapped it on my table. next thing i know, we've already used up the sheet and he took out one whole yellow paper. lol

looking back, note passing while verbally talking about something else is something i don't usually do. come to think of it, what we wrote about isn't exactly something i would "talk" about with a classmate..

O.o this whole crush and kilig thing is totally insane! amusing and funny but insane nonetheless..

i guess it's just as he wrote: to be continued...

:P

i found something interesting to read..

only thing left to do is to find myself a copy. :P

a little bit of that

a friend of mine told me that all we need is a little bit of kilig.

i thought he was crazy. :P

it's a pretty interesting feeling, that kilig. so interesting that there's no english word for it. it's relatively hard to explain since the feeling is different for everyone. me? i feel a hodgepodge of mushy gushy teenybopper-ish kinds of emotions. i'd feel giddy [like *squee* kind of giddy. -.-;;], cute and flushed all at the same time.

pathetic and just plain idiotic when you think about it. then again, feeling it is another ball game.

i'm not going to go into details. i think i already overtold the story. XD

now what would be a great track for said kilig moment?

o.O can't think of any songs. lol :D leave it.

my piso's worth :: being kilig [good lord. i sound so bloody conio X.x] is like having ice cream. you don't fuss about making a mess or not having any after finishing your cone. you just focus on enjoying the pleasantly cold treat. don't start wandering away thinking that it could be more than just plain kilig and start planning a wedding! ^^ see, the best thing is to just savor the moment but don't stay there forever.

it just makes for good chitchat ;P

heehee look at what i found~ :D

movie :: Step Up
song :: Till the Dawn
by :: Drew Sidora

:D

color me bored

i want to dance another night away.

:P

yeeep~ friends who can dance and wouldn't mind getting real close, booze and awesome beats are all i need.

^^ too bad i'm not that much of a party girl.

clubbing anyone?

"If you let go,

the music should groove your bones"

a eulogy... of sorts

i would like to believe something profound caused my mind into such a pitifull standstill. i wish i could put the blame on a person who has caused me immense amounts of grief. but i am afraid i am the only one to blame for the death of my mind.

i have become careless and let myself go when i should have hung on with every fiber of my being. the sudden onslaught of having friends and responsibilities has caused me to lose focus and eventually found my way to shamefull neglect.

oh, what i fool i have been. oh, what i distastefull thing i have become!

is it too late to regain what i have so foolishly thrown away? is there nothing i can do to rid myself of this cancer?

oh my dear, most cherished vengefull love, could you ever find it in that wonderfully twisted heart of yours to grant me exile? your distance consumes me. your words, heavy with bitter passion, make me ache. spare me a second or two to think.

wonderful isn't it? i can't even keep on one track of thought..

beloved

i've grown tired of repeatedly beating myself up over being painfully single.

not being able to have someone to love, share and hold can, at the worst of times, make one ache.

for me, it has caused immense amounts of frustration, doubt, depression and confusion.

sans amour

i am without love.

it's quite alright though.. all the times i was alone has taught me a great deal. i like to believe that my solitude, if you could call it that, has taught me to love more.. better.

i may not have been so unfortunate after all... i may, in fact, be a person who has a lot of love in me.





i think it would be incredibly nice if you came crashing into my life again.. even if you would just leave as fast as you came. if that's not possible that's okay too. i think i can find a piece of you in another person and that would be enough. cruel, fake but enough.. suki dayo..


emo post. yes, i know. but for some strange reason.. i think i'll hang on to that oh so familiar dinky sinking feeling and keep it to myself.


i want to see the flip side.

...

.

i think i'll be crying tonight..

april 10, 2006..

i want to bleed it all away..

oh booger

daaamn it..

inggit ako!

actually.. i ought to stop reading those gracefully written romance fics i have in file..

*sigh*

i know not everyone reads yaoi/shonen-ai and whathaveyou.. hell.. not everone likes to read but..

After the Fire

&

T'was the Night

...

waaaaaaaaaah!

;(

here's the piano version of Bana's Shell from Witch Hunter Robin